It is Thursday, twenty till ten already, my gosh.
I've been up a few hours, but I'm still in bed. I am playing with my cat and dealing with an irritating amount of allergy symptoms. Now, of course, I am typing out these words and my cat is staring me down because of my dereliction of duties.
I made the mistake of not planning anything for Valentine's as I assumed my girlfriend was also not into the holiday. She actually insists that she's not, but I guess that's like when people say they don't want gifts on their birthday. It's one of those times you are supposed to "read between the lines" and do the opposite of what has been stated. I've never been great at picking up on that kind of thing.
Things are feeling off with us beyond my lack of performative romance yesterday. There hasn't been a lot of romance at all for a while now.
But I don't know, that's a hard thing to gauge with us. Our relationship has never looked like the standard kind of romantic pair bonding. We have never been that affectionate or touchy-feely. Not since we officially started dating anyway.
We met on Tinder and started out as a casual hook-up. Back then there was a real intensity to us. The sex was sublime. We broke her bed once. We usually didn't even make it to her bed. It was insanely hot and passionate.
But there was also a lot of jealousy and insecurity on her end and beyond the typical amount of dismissive avoidance on mine, so I broke it off. Then we were friends for over a year before starting up again, but the physical intimacy never really came back.
I place the bulk of the blame on me for this.
I have many plausible explanations as to why. I still deal with a lot of sexual shame because of the way I was raised. I think I am almost afraid of male desire. My time working in the church as well as in the Women's Studies department at my college was full of this narrative that men are these uncontrollable sexual monsters. Or at least that narrative was persistent enough for my OCD to really latch onto it. I want desperately to be a "good man" and in my mind that too often means completely ignoring and suppressing my sex drive.
But there is also a weird thing I have about sex and intimacy. Namely that the more emotional intimacy, the less I desire sex. It could be a shame thing there too. It is also likely that dismissive-avoidant thing. Maybe it's just hard to feel sexy when I know that she knows I have IBS and has seen me have multiple emotional meltdowns over small little things.
Plus a regular relationship seems to take away all the mystery and anticipation and suspense of sex. I know that's a common problem with relationships and this is the longest I have ever dated anyone, so that's something to keep in mind.
But also I hardly ever feel good these days and that puts a damper on things for sure.
And she isn't into the kinks and fantasies that I would most love to indulge in. She also feels too insecure and awkward to initiate sex or express her own desires. It leaves me feeling a bit unwanted. And that makes it harder for me to initiate which makes her feel unwanted, I'm sure.
She seems to think that it's all because she's gained a little weight. Which I neither noticed nor care about. But she seems to think that I am just saying that to make her feel better.
I know the answer is to just throw her down and ravish her the next time I see her. But I just don't have much desire at all. I hardly even ravish myself as of late. So maybe it is a health thing. Perhaps a lack of testosterone or simply a side effect of chronic illness.
But maybe it has to do with the relationship itself.
This is actually what I intended to write about, but I've already written so much that I will keep this part short.
Lately, I have been feeling like a sidekick in my own life. I feel diminished and nearly invisible. Our conversations are mostly about her and whatever thing she is struggling with or interested in. It often reminds me of my relationship with my mother, where out of a 45-minute conversation, maybe 3-5 minutes are focused on me.
I feel like I just exist to listen and offer support. It doesn't feel like there is ever a lot of attention placed on me or my interests or struggles.
But that could just be my perspective. I don't know.
I told my friend about my relationship the other day and he said it reminded him of his parents. Where his dad is always just kind of in the background, kind of quiet, never really pursuing his own interests.
I don't want that to be my future. I am not looking to be the star of the show here, but I do want to feel like I matter. That I am desired and interesting and not just some pushover with a sympathetic ear.
Maybe my perceptions are wrong. Maybe my unhappiness makes the relationship seem sour and it is not the relationship that is souring my happiness.
Maybe everything is fine outside my broken mind.
I never seem to know what's real
9:37 a.m. - 2024-02-15
Recent entries:
A Weird Wash of Metaphors - 2024-04-06
Easter - 2024-04-01
There is a Morrissey song called "Spent the Day in Bed" that is fitting here as a title - 2024-03-28
I don't know - 2024-03-08
Contemplations on a sexless Valentine's Day - 2024-02-15
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