I haven't written on here in 22 days apparently.
In that 22 days, it seems I have gotten myself a girlfriend.
But I am writing on here, a place where I go to process when I am feeling stressed and unhappy, so I should say at the outset that I am not sure if I will have a girlfriend for long.
Of course, she isn't even my "girlfriend" yet. We've only known each other for less than 22 days.
But she is awesome.
Her name is Jaime.
She is the drummer for three different bands.
She is goth, which is a look I've always found super attractive.
She is cute and hilarious and needs constant attention, all kind of like a puppy.
She is a lot of fun to kiss.
Since the moment we started talking (tinder, who would have thought?), things have just felt easy and open and magnetic.
We just get each other.
We have similar thoughts on non-monogamy and very similar thoughts on just life in general. She seems committed to the idea of us already and that is really awesome.
So maybe I am freaking out for nothing.
Because, really, at first I thought this one thing was actually another awesome thing that we have in common.
She's into BDSM and hey, cool, so am I.
But she is, as she said "90% submissive." And hey, okay, I consider myself a switch. Sure, I kind of lean towards being submissive myself, but I have been known to enjoy topping on occasion. This could work. This could be a lot of fun.
But she's into pain and degradation. She wants to be beaten and spit on and whipped and called slut and other things that I probably can't imagine.
And I can't imagine them because I have a very hard time with that kind of play. I am a instinctively gentle, Buddhist, feminist. I don't want to hurt anyone. I definitely don't want to degrade or humiliate anyone.
Not to say that I don't get it. I fully agree with her that this kind of play is a good way to work through past trauma or even just reclaim patriarchal gender roles, I also get that it could just be fun. That there is something primal involved with it that's simply sexy on a biological level.
And I tried the other night. Well, that's not true. I tried to be a Dom in the way that I knew how to do it. With all the psychological mind tricks, edging, tease and denial, word games, that sort of thing.
She did not enjoy it. She put her clothes back on and asked if we could watch Silicon Valley.
She told me that she needed something more angry and primal.
She said she was concerned whether I could be that given that I am sensitive and an intellectual.
This caused all of my insecurities and anxiety—all of my sexual shame, my feelings of inadequacy, my fear that I am just not manly enough for a woman to be turned on by me—all came up the surface.
I really freaked out, in short.
And I told her so. I was honest and open about everything I was feeling. I told her that even with us being non-monogamous, I would hate to not be able to sexually satisfy her.
She said I wasn't wrong. That this is something she really needs. She can get it elsewhere, but would prefer it if she had a D/s relationship with her primary partner.
In the day and a half since that conversation, I have been doing some research and talking to a few friends I know who are into the BDSM community. My friends think this is something that I can learn and learn to enjoy.
They suspect that this will help me on several levels: that I can finally learn how to own my sexual power, that it will help my confidence, and shit, that it'll just be fun.
What I have realized is that I do not handle my anger well at all. I repress it, pretend it doesn't exist. And that's not good. It might be part of my anxiety and even part of all that muscle tension I carry with me all the time.
So maybe this is a thing I can get into.
But while I have been working on and thinking about all of this, Jaime has been more distant than she was.
I can't help but feel that my hesitation and fear and major anxiety and insecurity has caused her to withdraw some. Maybe rethink her interest in me.
I guess we will just wait and see.
What's important is that I remain true to myself and keep loving myself.
I am lovable even if this doesn't work out.
But it is also important that I don't give up on something great just because it's scary.
I am going to try to make this work.
7:31 p.m. - 2017-05-17
Recent entries:
I am finally starting to understand the things I have long proclaimed - 2017-06-16
Sorry. It's another suicide post. - 2017-06-11
Opening my eyes, stretching my arms - 2017-05-27
Hello, Old Friend. - 2017-05-21
Puzzle piece - 2017-05-19
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