I have been feeling particularly nihilistic lately.
It's not something I really notice until I talk to someone. Luckily, outside of the banal small-talk of work, I haven't really talked to anyone in weeks. So at least the nihilism isn't that noticeable. Good for me.
I really miss being touched. Like at all. In any capacity. Anything more than a handshake would be incredible.
This is yet another week where I don't have any money for food. My phone has been turned off because I can't pay the bill. My rent is due today, but I am five dollars short. I get my tips from work tomorrow with which I will pay my rent and buy groceries. I am barely surviving and can't afford to go out and do anything at all.
I am desperately trying to hold on to the belief that I will find love or that I am even worthy of such a thing. It sounds silly now that I type it though.
I think I am an alright guy. Handsome even. But don't we all have to think of ourselves as decent people? Yes, I got that line from Game of Thrones.
I can't help but wonder if I am so great why I am so goddamned alone and broke and sick all the time.
All of this to say I am in a pretty dark spot right now.
I don't want to kill myself or anything,
but I could give a flying fuck whether I continue to live.
or "live" as it seems these days.
3:05 p.m. - 2016-06-13
Recent entries:
bleh - 2016-07-12
Stewardship - 2016-06-24
Didn't Even Have to Use My AK - 2016-06-19
Abundant - 2016-06-18
This is a ramble. - 2016-06-14
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