Do you ever look at your friends and think
Why are you my friends?
What I am getting from you?
Are you getting anything from me?
They want me to come over and hang out tonight.
And I should because I haven't done anything socially in at least two weeks, probably longer.
But I just don't want to.
I feel like I always have to push and fight to be heard, and even then they talk over me.
And they are both so in to new age mysticism right now, which is interesting and fun to compare with my burgeoning Buddhism, but they speak in such absolutes. And their understanding is limited to a few conversations that they've heard and a handful of podcasts and youtube videos. They don't read or seek for themselves.
Maybe Russell Brand should not be considered a guru.
Or maybe I am an elitist prick and should know better than to assume that enlightenment can only come from study.
And really, my judgements of them as talkers but not thinkers comes from the fact that I never feel nurtured from them.
I don't feel like they are all that interested in my life.
I really just want someone to ask me how my day is going.
And there is no one I know that does that.
I could always just start telling people about my life, but that feels forced and insincere.
I don't want to ask people to ask about me.
I want someone to care all on their own.
And as I've said, it's been over two weeks since I've had a non-professional conversation with anyone.
Going to my friend's house and being a listener and affirming presence, without receiving anything back, might make me feel worse. More alone.
I don't really know what to do.
I can only control myself and my actions. So I choose compassion.
Someday, maybe, it will be returned to me.
4:33 a.m. - 2015-09-18
Recent entries:
- - 2015-10-07
Why I Will Probably Write on Here More - 2015-10-05
Parenthood - 2015-10-01
Little stabby feelings in my stomach - 2015-09-28
The Ghost of Emily - 2015-09-23
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
aryssa90
newschick
i-lost-sarah
u2october
hexes
gonzoprophet
cybers1ut
stardumb
meffinmisfit
movingsands
the-grey-one
dangerspouse
unowhatilike
silverluna
elusive-you
tobehis
kenny-loo
brothasistas
my-rant
is-life
godsintimate
ruby--sky
creme-egg
darkly-blue
reevo
similar
dooki
dagkyo
obijuan
buddyboy5
mojo1915
nudeplatypus
baby--girl
alwaysinhim
cindylou03
greenstar7
krunkjazz
dudemanflab
musicman575
comebacktome
spittingame