It is Monday morning.
A nice enough one it seems.
I am still very much in my head about yesterday though.
Good ole Easter.
Big Christian holidays are always a little weird for those of us who have lost their faith. Or at least they are for me. My older brother is an Atheist and has never really had any problems letting the church stuff go. It just doesn't bother him.
But as for me, I remain stuck in the maze.
As with everything dealing with deconstruction, there are layers. Many layers to a day like Easter.
There is the nostalgia, the longing for a past life full of chocolates and new church clothes and ham and the whole culture and family togetherness.
This involves enjoying whatever touchstones you can still tolerate. I always watch Jesus Christ Superstar and listen to some Keith Green. I eat a Cadbury cream egg and maybe a Peep or two. But much like a chocolate bunny, it all feels a bit hollow now. A bit sad.
There is also the current theological and philosophical questions and thoughts about the actual day itself.
And all the emotion of it. Easter is a far more emotional (and arguably emotionally manipulative) day than say Christmas. It is all about the guilt. The Sacrifice. The unworthiness of us humans. The pageantry around our fear of death. All of it is complex and hard to navigate.
It was hard when I was a Christian in that regard as well. Sometimes I felt guilty for not feeling guilty enough. Like this was the special day when I was supposed to really dwell in that feeling of stinking sinful flesh being lovingly redeemed by the dude who made me this way but still blames me for it. Sometimes I really had to work to muster up the tears.
So all of that to say that yesterday was already going to be a weird day.
But then the landscaper at my security guard job beckoned me over to him while I was doing my patrol.
He asked point blank before I even got to him if I knew Jesus Christ as my lord and savior.
I hesitated for a second because I never know how to go about these conversations. I used to go on the offensive and start listing my reasons for lack of faith, maybe get a little debate going, see how angry we can make each other.
But now, I strive to be more gentle and understanding. I try to remember the heart and good intention behind these conversations.
I still fucked it up a little though. Though I didn't know what to say, I found myself talking nonetheless.
I listed my credentials and experience. Pastor's kid turned Pastor turned Agnostic Bible scholar (I didn't mention the last part where I turned crazy for a few years and now make my living walking around an empty factory, but I didn't need to).
But I remembered the Mark Twain quote where he said something like "people who want to tell you about their religion never want to hear about yours." He wasn't listening to what I said, just preparing for his next turn to speak.
So for the rest of the conversation, I let him do the talking. I listened to his Jesus sales pitch and thanked him and shook his hand.
And I was fine. Maybe feeling some things, but okay.
But then the texts started coming in.
I enjoy having a lot of Christians and believers of other faiths in my life. I like the conversation. I like being challenged on my beliefs and enjoy the way we learn from each other.
But on days like Easter there can be a shift to where it is much more about the state of my mortal soul than it is on other days.
It has only been over this last year that I have discovered my scrupulosity OCD. It is something very clearly tied to my religious upbringing. One friend in particular went on and on yesterday about how much we all fail Jesus, and how I am failing Jesus now, and how Jesus is real sad about the whole situation. But it all would be cleared up right now if I would just let go and believe. Or in other words, make my brain believe things that it refuses to believe despite the years of effort I put into the project. And that kind of broke me.
Broke my brain and my heart a little bit.
And then, against my best judgment, I wandered into a comment section of the Babylon Bee. They had made a "joke" about how Biden was replacing Easter by acknowledging the Transgender Day of Visibility, which this year happened to be yesterday.
All I said was this day has been on March 31st since 2009, Christians aren't being persecuted here. It's just how the dates worked this year.
And of course I got some fun responses (still ongoing). I was told I'm going to Hell and all the usual. A few called me a Jew and the thread (and threats) started getting pretty anti-semitic.
And gosh by golly, that's all a bit overwhelming. My fault for sure for commenting at all, but still wasn't prepared for the whole "the Jews are coming to kill the Christians and turn the kids trans" stuff.
I wasn't prepared for all the heaviness I felt yesterday. Though I should have been.
This entry feels cluttered and incoherent.
I feel cluttered and incoherent.
I'll stop here.
If you are a believer, I love you and hope your Easter was full of mystery and some of that unconditional love I keep hearing about.
For those of you on the outside, I love you and hope that your day was full of the magic of Spring and some nice and tasty treats
8:11 a.m. - 2024-04-01
Recent entries:
A Weird Wash of Metaphors - 2024-04-06
Easter - 2024-04-01
There is a Morrissey song called "Spent the Day in Bed" that is fitting here as a title - 2024-03-28
I don't know - 2024-03-08
Contemplations on a sexless Valentine's Day - 2024-02-15
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