Rainy Saturday, mid-morning, listening to chill-hop, just turned in my edits for a book manuscript for which I will not be paid. I apologized in my email for how long it took me to do this work for free.
Because I am that kind of guy, I suppose.
For the last five months or so, my girlfriend has been taking care of her (alcoholic) neighbor's pitbull on the weekends.
My girlfriend is absolutely terrified of dogs.
This particular dog is still a puppy but is growing fast and seems to be pretty aggressive.
She gets so stressed and scared every weekend. Dreads it all week. But she hasn't wanted to say no to her neighbor who can be pretty pushy.
And because that's the kind of guy she is (she isn't a guy, but I wanted to repeat the earlier sentence).
Last night after the dog bit her arm and wouldn't let go, she told her neighbor that she was done and couldn't watch him anymore.
Her neighbor spent five hours calling her and cussing her out and insulting her over the phone and spent some time outside of my girlfriend's window yelling that she was a "pussy ass bitch" over and over.
My girlfriend didn't sleep at all last night and is still afraid to leave her apartment until she knows the neighbor is gone.
This is a pretty good explanation as to why both of us let people walk all over us at times. Because it is generally less stressful and combative to just do what people ask.
There is a theory about auto-immune diseases being more prevalent in chronic people pleasers. Something about how we neglect and push down and shrink ourselves so much and so often that our bodies begin to turn on us.
I can't speak to whether or not that's true, but it crosses my mind as today is another one of those (increasingly frequent) days where I am incredibly sick.
The last few days I've had chest congestion so bad that I feel like I am breathing underwater. I can feel my body trying to fight for air. I am doing all that I know to do, but it's not clearing up.
The last couple of months, it has been my Crohn's that has been my chief complaint. Painful bloating, nausea, vomiting blood, all of it.
Not to mention the daily constant pain.
Would standing up for myself more help with all of this?
It is hard to fight for what you want when knowing what you want is so hard. For so much of my life, what I want has not been an option, so it hasn't been worth it to keep track of my desires.
I don't know. Maybe I'm just sick. Maybe I am cursed by God. Maybe I just haven't found the right thing to do.
I would like to take up more space though. At least here in my life. I sometimes feel like a supporting character in my own story. I often feel like a leaf carried on the current of the wind.
I just want to feel better.
I just want the world to be kinder.
But does it even matter what I want?
10:33 a.m. - 2024-02-03
Recent entries:
Easter - 2024-04-01
There is a Morrissey song called "Spent the Day in Bed" that is fitting here as a title - 2024-03-28
I don't know - 2024-03-08
Contemplations on a sexless Valentine's Day - 2024-02-15
Pushover Pt. II - 2024-02-06
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