It's morning. There's birdsong. There are lingering clouds from last night's rain. They break up slowly, allowing bits of light and blue sky to break through.
Things have been tense between she and I the last few days. No real arguments, just things mumbled under the breath sometimes and a few honest, but seemingly unproductive, conversations.
I feel foolish for not realizing the extent to which my indecisiveness hurts her. No one wants to be half-loved. No one likes being treated like an option.
So sometimes I think the answer is simple. Like with all my past relationships, there comes a time when I realize that I can't love this person as fully with open hearted commitment as they'd like, maybe even as they need. And so better to leave to give them a chance at that with someone who can.
I am the type that is truly happy at an ex-girlfriend's wedding. Maybe a little sad for myself sometimes, but always genuinely thrilled for her and her new person.
But feelings are also just feelings. Are they the clouds that block the blue sky? Do they rob me of my clarity? Of the direction of my heart compass? Or are they my guide?
I do feel that this is one of the more lasting damages done to me by American Christianity. Where they take verses like "the heart is deceitful above all things" and hammer that deep into your brain. Don't trust your feelings or intuition. Do not seek your own happiness. Love is always sacrifice.
And I've learned the hard way that it is a good thing to listen to your deep inner self. That at the end of the day, that's really all there is to listen to. But for the past decade or so, I feel like Sisyphus. Learning that same lesson the hard way over and over and over.
But yet, at the same time, another lesson I constantly have to re-learn is to not take everything so damn seriously all the time.
People date. They have partners and lovers for different times and for different reasons and there isn't necessarily anything wrong with being someone that you know is not your "forever person." Especially, if like me, you don't even believe such a person exists.
I am love. It is a part of my essence and pours out of me towards all things when I allow it. And it pours into me whenever I am open to it. For the universe and all things in it are love as well.
I want to say that there is no harm in just loving the one you’re with for the time that you are with them. But we all know that love frequently produces pain. Sometimes deeper and longer pain than you know.
And that is what scares me. Not that I will experience pain. As I experience it enough that it is now an old friend to me.
But I am scared of adding to the pain of another. Becoming just more proof to someone that the world is cold and you can't trust anyone in it.
And both of our cars are having trouble and neither of us are really making any money right now. And the rent was paid, but only barely and only because we were both here to pay half. We need each other right now. Which is another scary thing to me. I hate when I am dependent. But I know that we are all dependent on each other in the grand scheme anyway.
Maybe everything is fine. Maybe I can relax. Let my guard down a little.
Let things unfold as they may.
8:16 a.m. - 2022-06-01
Recent entries:
Samsara - 2022-07-23
Nihilism for Fun and Profit - 2022-07-08
Everything and Nothing All at Once - 2022-07-05
Summer Solstice - 2022-06-21
writing about not writing - 2022-06-15
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