{TRIGGER WARNING: suicidal ideation}
A few years back, I made a deal with myself not to kill myself until I at least turn 40.
I figure that's a good solid year. Shows that I really tried this whole life thing out, plus gives me some time to pull things together and make living maybe a bit more tolerable.
But I turn 40 in 168 days.
I don't know what I will do. I like to think I'll keep on trucking to 45, 50, who knows, sky is the limit.
But some days.
Days like today...
All I'll say is I'm glad there is still those 168 days to work with.
That there is still some time.
I know it's an arbitrary number, a dumb deal I've made solely with myself.
I know there's been many times when I have almost not made it.
Too many probably.
I am still convinced it's how I'll eventually go.
I wish that wasn't the case though. I really do want something to live for.
I don't want everything to always end up in pain.
I'm just feeling really alone tonight.
And I am really hurting.
And I really want that pain to stop.
I want it to stop so badly that I am willing to do almost anything.
I wonder if that "almost" will still be around in 168 days.
Maybe there will be some new thing waiting around the corner for me.
Maybe things won't always feel so grim.
I am nothing if not patient. I have waited. I will continue to wait.
Just under a half a year left. Anything can happen between now and then.
I sincerely hope something does.
10:17 p.m. - 2020-08-08
Recent entries:
Pins and Needles - 2020-11-29
Step by Step (ooh, baby) (That's a New Kids on the Block reference in case you are under 40) - 2020-11-12
a book of a thousand chapters starts with a single word - 2020-11-08
Bitter - 2020-10-16
Day to Day - 2020-10-13
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