I am in Orange County, California. Staying 10 minutes away from the ocean.
I am staying at a girl's dorm on a Fundamentalist Christian university, as my friends are the resident directors here and have a private apartment adjacent to the dorms.
They have a 4 year old and a one year old, both are in their parent's bedroom right now, screaming loudly. While I am here on the couch. I know that within five minutes, the entire circus will move in here to the living room and we will soon watch The Incredibles again. Because we watch The Incredibles every morning. The four year old is obsessed.
I had a date planned for yesterday. It was with a woman I knew from Colorado who was dating a friend of mine at the time. She told me that she always had a "ridiculously inappropriate crush" on me back then. That every time we would all hang out, she just wished that I would catch her alone and kiss her.
I told her I was now willing to make up for lost time.
And I was excited about it. As I have mentioned on here (several times I'm sure), I have not so much as kissed someone since last October and it is hard to describe how much I am longing for that type of connection.
Added to this is that my time on the road, sleeping on couches and such, does not leave me with much privacy to take care of myself.
I wasn't able to cum for the first fourteen days of my trip (until I got myself a hotel room in Phoenix), and am now again at day 9, with no chance of that kind of alone time for at least another 11 days.
And I am going to say that I think this is ultimately a good thing for me, even though I am not entirely sure how. I know it helps redirect my thoughts and energy to more creative pursuits and might help me gain perspective on my problems with relationships and general inability to connect with people in an intimate and authentic way.
But I am also going to say that this is not a fun experience. I going to say that I am horny as fuck. Blue balls, as it turns out, is a real thing. But it all just makes me so much more excited for whenever I am finally able to connect with someone in that way.
But two hours after I was supposed to meet up with my date, she sent a text asking if we could reschedule. And did not respond to my follow up text asking when.
Which is entirely what happened all the time in Denver. I think I had 6 dates scheduled my last month there, 5 of them either cancelled or ghosted me, and the last turned out not to be a date but rather a heartbreaking and humiliating night that, because I've already written about it on here, will not go into now.
And that's frustrating, because I don't think the reason for these cancellations is entirely on me, and might not have anything to do with me at all, but still never feels good.
Nonetheless, I will continue to wait and try and wait and wait and wait. I am reading about Tantra, so maybe that will help redirect this energy.
It's going to be so amazing though when it happens.
Everyone is in the living room now and we are getting to watch A Bug's Life this morning. The four year old is assuring me that I don't have to be scared of the grasshoppers and I know that she is saying that more for herself than for me, but I appreciate her comfort nonetheless.
In a few minutes, I will get dressed and go find a pretty park or something where I will get a little high and write.
Everything is beautiful and exactly how it needs to be. And that's with everything being as uncomfortable and lonely but never alone as it is.
I allow it all to unfold before me, a book that I alone get to read first.
6:42 a.m. - 2018-03-08
Recent entries:
The Changing Landscape of the Highway - 2018-05-16
The Changing Landscape of the Highway - 2018-05-16
Shifting Sand - 2018-04-22
At The End of Myself - 2018-04-01
Grateful, Exhausted, Lost - 2018-03-10
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