I am sitting on the patio of a third floor apartment in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Right by a bird feeder so new that only the hippest and early adapter birds know of its existence. The sky is a diffused grey. It's unusually chilly for this late in May. In fact, I am going inside now to write the rest of this.
Now on the couch watching the bird feeder from the window.
She is sleeping still. This is her apartment. She would like for it to be our apartment and we are right now pretending that it is. It's a good apartment. Dark and cool and roomy and comfortable. There is a courtyard chock full of baby ducks. Trees everywhere.
But it is with her that my thoughts center. Probably why I haven't written on here in over a month. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I barely know what to think.
As relationships go, ours is a pretty good one. We certainly have some issues with communication and our individual tendencies to implode when faced with confrontation. But on the whole, we get along good and enjoy each other's company.
I can sometimes see myself moving fully out of my duffel bag and making a life here with her. And it's not so bad a thought.
The only problem really is that I just don't want that.
And by "that" I don't mean specifically a relationship with her, but rather I don't want a relationship like this at all. When I daydream about my future it is almost always one in which I am alone.
What I can't figure out though is if my desire for aloneness--my daydream fantasies of long bouts of solitude mingled with an assortment of lovers and connections through the years--is a healthy one or if it is a product of my mental illness and trauma.
The Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone. And yes, I agree. Community is important. Relationships are essential. All that stuff. I get it. I know.
But as I've joked before, just because "no man is an island" doesn't mean that some of us can't be peninsulas. But in the end, I'm not sure if such a view is just me trying to rationalize avoidant behavior.
Last night as we were drifting off to sleep, she told me she wishes I could feel comfortable around her. Comfortable enough to fully let my guard down and try to relax.
I know the reason I won't let myself is because this relationship, like every one before it, feels like it'll be short term. It makes me not want to unpack the duffel bag both literally and emotionally.
There is always this tension with me with this stuff. Is this the time that I am supposed to pry open my emotional doors and put in the effort to make this particular relationship last? Or am I just the way I am and that's okay?
When I hear aromantic people talk, I do feel a resonance of relatability. I know my favorite part of any relationship is when we agree to just be friends. And I do usually mean it. Going from lover to friend is almost always a promotion in my book.
But is that just me avoiding life and resisting true intimacy? Allowing the fear of more pain and loss to deter me from true pleasure and my best self?
Or is it okay for me to be the nomadic monk that seems to have always existed in my heart? Why has my love for solitude always been seen as a symptom of mental illness when it could be a sign of my spiritual growth?
And what to do with the love I truly feel for the woman sleeping in the next room?
We broke up the first time because I didn't want to be in a relationship. We remained friends for a year before falling back into physical embrace in a darkened woods last fall.
But what I didn't know is that our friendship was devastating to her. She cried a lot over me, says she daydreamed about us getting back together for hours at a time. Now that we are together, she tells me she has constant anxiety that I am going to leave her again.
So I don't leave. Because I do love her and care for her and things are going pretty well, all things considered.
The only problem is that this isn't the life I want.
Whether I say that out of fear or from a place of conviction and confidence is still unknown to me.
All things unfold with time, I suppose.
9:31 a.m. - 2022-05-22
Recent entries:
Nihilism for Fun and Profit - 2022-07-08
Everything and Nothing All at Once - 2022-07-05
Summer Solstice - 2022-06-21
writing about not writing - 2022-06-15
Conflicted - 2022-06-01
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