Sigh.
Oh, let's be fancy. Le sigh.
I am realizing that I have once again fallen off the deep end of depression and dissociation and just shutting out the whole of the fucking world.
It's been a tough few years though (decades maybe, if one wants to feel dramatic about it), and I have been diving deep into my trauma,
my childhood,
my neurodiversity,
the position of society I was born into and the rewards and blindspots that come with it,
my relationship to sex and love and the reasons why I self-sabotage as often as I do
And on and on and on.
Makes sense I'd want some anesthesia for that process. Makes sense my brain cuts out sometimes.
But God, I miss reality (parts of it at least).
I miss being a human.
I'm trying to get back there.
But my first forays back into reality have been painful.
A week or so ago, I spent a week with my parents and brother and sister-in-law. The last time I had seen my folks was right after I got out of the mental hospital. So 2 years and some change. Closer to 3 now that I am thinking on it.
This time 'round was really triggering.
Like I have just been shut in my room with my brain turned off completely since I returned. Just to process it.
At work if anyone asks how the trip was, I just say I learned a lot about Mike Lindell and why vaccines are part of the Communist China takeover of America (which has already happened, by the by, Biden's just a puppet and etc).
I make a joke of it. How funny. Parents say the darnedest things.
But there was much heavier stuff said and revealed. Stuff I really haven't told anyone. Things I will leave unsaid even here.
Though all of it made me think to myself, oh yeah, that's why you have been hiding from the world since childhood. That's why you don't feel important or valuable.
I am not going to diagnose my parents as narcissists, but I will say they possess a lot of the symptoms.
I tried to explain to my mom about childhood trauma and decided to use the rather neutral example of how horribly sick I was as a baby and small child. I was going to discuss how, for example, having near death experiences as a 5 year old can leave an impression on a forming brain. Plus how I knew I was a burden on their finances and time, with them always taking me to the hospital. As a child, I couldn't process these things or have the language to discuss them and so really felt trapped in them.
But my mom cut me off as I started to explain and began to ruminate on how hard it was on her, how worried and stressed she was, how we were there so often, the nurse would sometimes forget about us and leave us there for hours. And how she hopes that she never made me feel like a burden because she tried so hard and so on until she changed the subject to some other deeply personal question, where she would again cut me off before I had given my answer.
And all the same old jokes about how I am not married and don't have a career and am not good with my hands and at fixing practical things (which I have learned is the only kind of skill my dad admires).
I don't know, I mostly just felt invisible. And the times when the spotlight was on me made me wish I could disappear again.
And so I did. I disappeared.
Back to my small cold room with great blackout curtains.
Back to youtube videos and documentaries about anything that could distract me from the experience of being myself.
Back to pushing away the people that care about me while obsessively pining over every experience of rejection in the past.
Back to thoughts like
"what makes you think you can be a writer when even your parents aren't interested in what you have to say?"
Or
"you suffer from the same delusions of grandeur as your father and his brothers. Look at all their get-rich-quick ideas and the pyramid schemes that they keep getting sucked into. You're just the same, just with the pretensions of being an artist. Face up to the fact that you were born poor and will die poor just like them."
Or
"Holy shit, you are so going to die on the road. Are you some kind of idiot, thinking you can move into a van and survive? Anything breaks down at all and you are stranded. You can't fix shit. You don't know shit. And you don't even have income lined up yet."
And there are some other thoughts like that.
And I want to say these thoughts are lies, but they are pretty convincing.
So I hide and freeze up and escape into my brain.
I don't blame myself, I would too.
But I need to come back down to my body.
I want to come back to life.
8:20 a.m. - 2021-08-29
Recent entries:
a rumination on sex and love - 2021-11-20
Where I've Been, Where I am - 2021-11-09
An attempt to cover some of the distance I have traveled. - 2021-10-17
Less of an update, more of a teaser of an update - 2021-10-16
Howl at the New Moon - 2021-09-10
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