Yesterday both of my roommates were gone at the same time. This is beyond a rarity ever since covid happened and all of our cars broke down.
I decided to take advantage with a long hot epsom salt bath.
I did it right. Candles, some ambient chill music, a little lavender and eucalyptus, some pretty strong weed.
The peaceful feeling of watching the water pour from the tap, my perpetually sore muscles reacting and easing into the hot water, the steam rising from the water, the way it interacts with the soft light pouring through the window slats, the patterns and designs that the light paints on the ceiling.
Not bliss exactly, but all of my sense were engaged in pleasant ways. I was lost in the sensation of all of it.
And I thought about death and dying.
I thought about how I have failed to think my way into salvation
That I can never know enough to feel safe in this world.
I had written much more here but deleted it because it was a little too much detail about my bathtub thoughts on death and dying. And that made my stomach turn like it does when I am on the top of a tall building. It made my wrists tingle like they did when I thought these thoughts yesterday in the tub.
My feet are swollen and throbbing because I walk a lot and have bad shoes.
Plus the whole degenerative chronic blah blah blah. I heard recently that people with autoimmune and inflammation issues are more likely to have persistent depression. Which, yeah, duh.
But I wonder if that's why today sadness seemed to swallow me whole before I even woke.
It's not a high building sadness though. Not the kind to dwell on death and dying.
It's the sadness that sees the beauty and tragedy in all things.
Though it come in different form and bear another name, my pain is your pain. Is our pain. All of us. All living things. And though I can't feel it as strongly today as others, I know my joy is your joy. And our pain is also our joy though we do not know it yet.
And I love you, dear diarylanders.
I wish you all vibrancy and joy and love and more life today.
9:56 a.m. - 2021-05-30
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