I am sitting on my comfy brown couch that we found for free,
which is in our salon style living room, all comfortable chairs and philosophy books, a great place for naps and deep discussion.
The puppy is in a time out in my roommate's room because he sees my face as a chew toy and we are trying to train him by enforcing a "if you can't play nice, you can't play at all approach." Which today, at least, is not working at all. Everytime I bring him back out, he immediately goes straight for the jugular.
We are 90% certain that he is possessed by demons.
I am drinking raspberry hot chocolate. I am listening to chillstep. The edibles have just kicked in.
A beautiful woman is picking up even more weed for me right now.
She is smart and funny and a brilliant artist. But she is frozen by anxiety and insecurity and just that general feeling that you have when nothing really ever goes right for you.
What's the expression? Takes one to know one?
She and I are very, very similar.
I suspect that she expects that we'll fuck when she brings the weed over (literally anytime now). I am undecided as to whether or not I want this.
Partially because I haven't showered and don't really want to shower, which makes me feel like a real genuine beatnik. The fact that I kind of like the idea of gritty, hungover, unwashed sex in the middle of the day makes me feel like a character in a Henry Miller novel.
But also partially because relational and sexual dynamics are fucking hard. She and I have been "casually hooking up" since the early summer. After a month or so, it got intense and she got very jealous even though we were officially non-monogamous and I wasn't even flirting with anyone else and then, I don't know, everything got loud in my head again and I disappeared into myself for another few months.
She does seem different now. And in context, I get why she felt a little emotionally askew. And fuck, yeah, I feel selfish as fuck. I knew I felt incapable of emotional intimacy at the moment (what with me being all dissociative and lost in existential dread) and I told her that. A lot. But there is a real connection. And great chemistry. A magnetic pull.
I don't think it's a healthy one though.
Like I am finally learning to see some red flags after having the same relationship play out over and over again.
I am tired of the codependent bullshit type stuff.
But I don't know how else to have a relationship.
Most, if not all of my past relationships were very unhealthy and corrosive and just played out as echoes of past traumas that we had experienced.
Following scripts that we should not have learned.
I don't know what healthy looks like.
I don't feel like I want what "normal people" have. That wife and kids and friends with wives and kids thing doesn't seem great. But that's probably because I don't think I could handle it emotionally.
God. I am so high. This hot chocolate is so good. I have no idea what I am talking about.
Because now she says, that she just wants to fuck me. She doesn't want a relationship. She just likes the chemistry and how explosive the sex is. And yes, I agree. I'm cool with just that. Aren't I? I don't know.
When nothing feels right, anything feels okay.
The marriage and kids thing sure does seem easier.
I guess when you follow the script you are not faced with the burden of having to write out your own story.
11:18 a.m. - 2020-01-18
Recent entries:
Man is Condemned to his Freedom - 2020-02-13
Tell the Man in C-3PO Socks How You are Feeling. - 2020-02-10
How do Hermits pay the rent? - 2020-01-31
39 - 2020-01-24
You can feel the tension in the teeth. - 2020-01-20
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