I am still alive. Still in a basement in Denver. But only for another week.
I realize that the last sentence might imply that I will only be in the basement for another week, but it also might imply something darker.
It's definitely the former. I am looking for a reason to avoid the latter.
This little diary has born witness to almost two decades of my depression and anxiety and all of the futile attempts to get myself beyond those things. I am sure that I have written the sentence "this is the worst depression yet" at least a dozen times.
I wonder if that cheapens it when I say that sentence now.
I wonder if anyone believes me.
I talked to my ex on the phone today. I told her how bad things are. How every morning I have to fight to get out of bed. How my anxiety is pumping my blood with cortisol constantly. No appetite, no energy, a constant buzzing in my brain.
I have told other friends about this too. I told them about this in October and November. December and January, I have remained quiet. I wonder if they think things are better. I wonder if they think in my direction at all.
No, that's unfair.
I am loved. I know I am loved.
I can hear people banging on the walls, asking me to let them in.
But I can't find a door.
I don't know how to make contact.
In a little over a week, I will leave these snowy mountains for the desert. A day or two in Moab by myself before heading near Tucson to see my family.
It is my hope that some different air will clear things up.
It is the only thing I know to hope for at this point.
I don't know what to do. I can't live like this much longer.
7:11 p.m. - 2019-01-18
Recent entries:
I am feeling so many things but just want to sleep - 2019-03-05
Waiting - 2019-02-19
Still in the Shit - 2019-02-08
It's Going to be Okay. - 2019-01-30
This Post Has All the Trigger Warnings (Seriously Though, Be Careful) - 2019-01-24
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