Man, what a week.
First, the good:
The four of us in the car found a good rhythm and had an excellent time zooming from Iowa to magical Branson (where we hung out at Jim Bakker's televangelist compound), to laid back and hip Nashville (where Josiah interviewed one of the guys from 90s Christian rock group DC Talk), and then down to New Orleans which quickly became one of my favorite cities.
We did this all in less than a week. We were tired, but in good spirits. I came around on Josiah, really seeing him for who he was. I kind of fell in love with Amanda, but am 90% sure that was just one sided. Alessandra and I still worked together like close siblings.
There were some problems though throughout.
The first was my own finances. The day we left for the trip, I discovered I was overdrawn at the bank. Not good. I borrowed some money from friends to stop the bleeding and prevent overdraft fees, but it was too late. I spent the vast majority of last week without any money for food.
Patreon normally pays out my monthly earnings on the 5th, but they didn't this time. Apparently my money is on a "security hold" because of some suspicious activity on my account. I don't know what kind of suspicious activity because Patreon has not contacted me or responded to any of my emails.
Not having money would be fine if it was just me, but traveling with others makes it harder. We are supposed to chip in for food and gas. Plus, everyone wanted to get good food and drink while in New Orleans and Nashville. I sat at the table with my water.
And to be sure, my travel mates were very understanding and generous. And if Patreon ever does send me my money, pretty much all of it goes back to them for covering my food and gas.
The other problem was one of ego and independence. I am used to doing the traveling alone and, let's be honest, being seen as fascinating to everyone I meet.
On this trip, I am presented as a mere lackey or employee. It is Josiah's book tour now and he is more than happy to take credit for the trip. Like it was all his idea and he just invited some friends to join him.
But this is my car and a project I've been working on for 6 months. No one has really cared about that though. I sat at the table with my water and everyone's back to me as they talked to Josiah.
And that hurts more than it should. I have said dozens of prayers every day for ego death. I have reminded myself that I know who I am and that is enough. Plus, eventually (maybe) I will write my own book and then I will get a little attention from people.
Fuck though. I feel petty and small and ignored.
And I was feeling that way on Monday morning.
I woke up at 3 am to drive Amanda two hours to the airport. She was only to be with us the first week. I told her that "I just feel like a car. That this is the only reason that I am needed on this trip."
She assured me that this wasn't true. But I didn't believe her.
Twenty minutes later, driving 80 miles per hour on the freeway, my car's engine literally exploded. I made it to the shoulder and waited.
Oh, did I mention that my phone was turned off due to lack of payment? It's been a great week.
Eventually, we got the car to where we are staying in Sarasota. The guy we are staying with has Triple A, so we were able to tow the car nearly 200 miles. God bless Saint Steven, the hard drinking, pot smoking, punk rock hero. He's letting us sleep in his living room until we figure things out.
Of course the car is dead forever. I am selling it for scraps to some guy in about an hour.
And that's where we are now. Stranded in Sarasota Florida. We have garnered enough sympathy and raised enough financial support that we can continue an abridged version of the tour. We won't be getting to do the stuff that I want to do for my book project (no more churches or Christian tourism), but we will at least be able to make it to our readings in NYC, Chicago, and Minneapolis.
A friend of a friend who none of us have met will pick us up in Sarasota and take us as far as Roanoke. Then another friend will pick us up and take us to Philly. Then buses and trains to New York and Chicago.
My travel partners are in good spirits. There is something thrilling about having to figure out things while on the road. They love how quickly we have been able to figure things out. This is fun for them.
As for me, it has not been fun. I think one big reason is that after the tour, they get to back to their apartments and lives in Denver. I have nothing to go back to. I have no place to live, no job, no car. My plans were to keep traveling and find a place to write this book. And I suppose that is still possible.
But God damn it. I feel crushed. Totally crushed. I took this big risk and it has, so far, amounted to less than nothing. I am worse off than when I started. And I was in a very bad place then.
Perhaps if my travel mates knew how close I was to killing myself this last fall, they would be a bit more empathetic to how I am feeling. I worry about going back to Denver and just getting another coffee shop job. I worry about again being stuck and isolated and barely getting by. I don't think I will survive it.
And I know that there might be other options. Some way to elevate myself into a better situation.
But right now, I literally cannot see any options at all. I will finish the tour. But after that, I have no idea what will happen.
I need a miracle.
But the Holy God of hurricanes and holocausts likes for us to work out our shit all on our own.
I am trying my best to surrender. I do not need to be in control. I do not need love and attention. I do not need financial or emotional security. I just need to trust that everything will be okay.
And they will be. Good things follow bad and bad things follow good. Life is a cycle.
But I no longer trust the good. It never lasts.
I want to be okay regardless of circumstance. This is really the perfect time and place to start practicing that.
I am failing miserably.
6:31 a.m. - 2018-09-12
Recent entries:
The Weariness of the Road - 2018-10-09
Hungry in NYC - 2018-09-28
Sick - 2018-09-24
Back in Philly - 2018-09-20
Still in Florida - 2018-09-17
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