My brain is scattered right now, so we'll see how much sense this entry makes.
I am listening to Zoe Keating. Such sweet and beautiful instrumental music.
I just finished hanging out a coffee shop with a friend. I've always really hated "networking" because it seems so self-serving and inauthentic. I don't like valuing people because of their utility or what they can do for me.
But there are people that I value just because of who they are and I want to spend time with them simply because it feels good to spend time with them. And some of those people, it turns out, get all excited when I talk about what it is that I am wanting to do and then they say, "how can I support you?" And then I realize that these are people with considerable influence and can actually do a lot for me, career wise.
And the guy I was just hanging out with was one of those guys.
So that turned out to be a worthwhile hang out session.
Another one of those people—an old girlfriend of mine—has just signed on as my business manager. She is helping me structure a plan for my career as a writer. She will get 15% of my revenue, but will deserve far more. I am being slow and deliberate with what I do, but things are falling into place. This feels like the right time.
I am going to go about everything differently. Because that's who I am. I am just different. I am not after money. I am after wisdom. And I think that's going to make a difference. The audience will come. The money will come. Perhaps not in my preferred timeline, but it will happen.
I just need to keep my head down and do the work.
I need to not get swallowed up by my mental illness. It will happen from time to time. And that's okay. But right now, I am free of that weight, so I will run until it's placed back on me.
After a series of bad dates, I deleted Tinder. I am not giving up on dating, just being more patient with it.
Like our fellow Diarylander Lust said in her last entry, I am trying to meet people more organically.
I am going to be like the Tao. Not force anything, but let things come to me as they will.
I am the honey. I am the bait. I am the magnet.
This last Sunday, I spent most of the day naked in bed with one of the women I met on Tinder.
We are both experimenting with being poly and talked about the other people she is seeing and I told her about my comically bad dates. We smoked pot and took our sweet time kissing and touching each other.
I delighted in torturing her by not allowing her to touch herself while I slowly and gently touched and kissed every inch of her except all of her most sensitive places. By the time my mouth finally met her clit, she exploded. It was heaven.
I have a long history of worrying about what I should be, or where I should be. I am always in my head, feeling inadequate and wishing I was more.
Right now, at least, I am able to just be. Without fear or worry or anxiety.
And that's such a great feeling.
I hope it lasts for at least a little bit.
4:49 p.m. - 2017-03-07
Recent entries:
The Social Wallflower - 2017-04-04
Kind of a Weird Day - 2017-04-02
row, row, row your boat - 2017-03-29
Feeling Good. - 2017-03-18
Hard to say Np - 2017-03-14
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