I am a ball of tension and anxiety.
It has been through the roof lately. Maybe longer than I know even.
It's like my anxiety is just a part of me now. Something unpleasant but always there. Like my crooked teeth or my belly.
Last night I tried to go to bed at 9. Laid awake in bed until around 11 when I finally dozed off, but then woke up at 3:45 and couldn't get back to bed.
My thoughts are just circling and circling, never landing on anything.
I graduate college in six weeks.
But what will I do?
I want to be a writer
But how will you make a living at that?
Maybe this idea will pay out.
Or this idea.
Or oh, God, am I going to have to work at a coffee shop the rest of my life?
Was this all for nothing?
Why am I alone?
Why can't I get comfortable?
How should I be living differently?
Why don't I eat right?
Am I drinking too much caffeine?
Why can't I fall asleep?
And so forth and so on.
I met a lady that I really like.
I took her out for coffee. I thought we had a good time. I asked her out again. At first she said she was real busy. The universal go-to lie when people don't want to date you but also don't want to seem mean.
But then she texted yesterday and said that it really isn't me. That life is just extra painful for her right now and she is having a hard time keeping her head above water.
I told her I understood and really meant it.
Alan Watts talks about how the universe and all of life is just this playful sort of dance that has no real destination but that's okay because the point of a dance is not to get to the end. The point of the dance is to dance.
For some of us that seems like an impossible notion.
For some of us, life just isn't all that fun.
There are people that I feel an instant connection with. People I don't necessarily spend a lot of time with or know their full story, but I just know that I know them. Some of you are people that write on here and read these words. Others are people I know from work or school or whatever.
And I realized last night as I was trying to sleep that my instantaneous bond with these people is that our mental illnesses all manifest in similar ways.
We are the overthinkers, the anxious, the ones that never feel like we belong. We stay up late for nothing and spend our lives down rabbit holes. Our minds are ripped apart by reality as we logically know it and reality as our diseased minds distort it. We never really know which one is true.
Because the distortion looks like logic, and logic feels like distortion.
And so we suffer. Unsure of who to trust with these hidden thoughts.
But we recognize each other. We never have to say anything. We can see it in our eyes.
Maybe it's just a matter of finding the right music for us to dance to. Maybe it's just that our rhythms fall into a different time than the rest of the world.
Until we find it though, we are stuck.
we daydream of sleep; we pray for connection
5:23 a.m. - 2016-10-24
Recent entries:
Love - 2016-11-18
My People. - 2016-11-15
Blessed are the Peacemakers - 2016-11-12
Sometimes Writing Doesn't Make You Feel Better. - 2016-11-06
I can't think of a clever title. - 2016-11-01
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