There was something swirling around my head earlier, begging me to write it down.
Now it's gone, drowned out by the Elliott Smith music that's filling up my tiny studio apartment.
I see glimpses of what was swirling around my head, but I am a bit high and in a good deal of pain and had a very full day of college lectures plus all my normal worries and anxieties.
Which is ironic, because that thing swirling around me has to do with all of the things mentioned above.
I feel like I am pounding on the door of a spiritual breakthrough.
I want to was the self and ego away in some sort of cosmic shower.
I think the world is sorely lacking in mystery cults and bacchanals.
Which, now that I am thinking about it, might be why I have been so hung up on sex lately.
The last few days, I have been repeatedly asking myself if a girlfriend or love or whatever would actually make me happy.
I have had to admit to myself that no, this is all just another attachment to distract me from Nirvana; what I am feeling is just a misplaced longing for another need.
I think a lot about emotional nutrition and how there are essential elements that we can't produce on our own. Intimacy and love and trust and so on.
And I've thought myself starving for the lack of essential elements. And there is some validity to that. I never get touched, I don't see a lot of people, I don't feel comfortable opening up, etc.
But this longing for love? I think there might be something empty in me that needs to be fixed by me. I am still trying to figure that out.
But when I poke and prod at my longing for sex; when I ask myself if this is also just some misplaced desire, I found that my body physically resists the investigation.
It tells me "no, we need this."
But I think what I really need is just some kind of physical release. Exuberant dance, howling at the moon, running barefoot until I collapse.
I need something to remind me that I am not just a brain. I am fully body and fully soul. Both need spiritual care.
And sure getting laid would be nice, but it is not enough.
I want to transcend all of the bullshit that weighs me down. I want a breakthrough.
I am not sure if I am even making sense.
These are just the glimpses I've caught of the ideas circling around.
I am now going to resume my silence.
9:55 p.m. - 2016-08-24
Recent entries:
Thus Quoth Linkin Park: "I am one step closer to the edge..." - 2016-09-07
Fuck - 2016-09-06
Attractive - 2016-08-30
Cercle de la Mort - 2016-08-28
Truth (A Poem) - 2016-08-25
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