I am a Buddhist-y sort of person. I don't know if I fully qualify as a Buddhist, but I dig a lot of the philosophy and practice.
And a big part of that is the belief that this world is illusory. It is made up of a million social constructs and comparisons that aren't really true. Or rather, they are only really true because we believe them.
The academic constructionist in me agrees with that statement and can back it up with some pretty strong evidence.
So the question is, if we construct our own reality why do we do such a shitty job of it?
Culturally one can argue that it is because we are not aware of the house of cards that make up our daily lives.
But individually? I am aware. At least in part. Yet it is easier to just keep going with the flow. It is definitely no easy task to challenge your every thought an motive. To break free from the reality that is presented to you everyday.
Over the last year or so, I have come a long way towards accepting myself and acknowledging that I am exactly what I wanted to be and those dumb benchmarks and definitions of success that the rest of the world pursues are not what I am after.
Acceptance is good. I like that I like where I am. But I feel like if I were really constructing my existence, there would be a lot more to it.
So over the last few days as I go to sleep or finish my morning meditation, I try to really envision some aspect of my ideal life. I try to be specific where it matters but still open to new details. I also always acknowledge that I might not know what it is that I actually need and promise to stay open to new possibilities.
But I imagine getting to speak in front of large audiences in strange cities that await my exploration.
I envision good health and the energy to be both in nature and the city more.
And I think about what I want in a partner. I don't think about (or care, really) what she looks like. Instead I focus on a few specific qualities—fun, kind, curious, compassionate, sensual, etc—and I conjure up memories of what it feels like to be loved and then just allow myself to feel those things again in anticipation.
There are some gaps in those feelings. For example, I don't know what it is really like to be fully supported by a girlfriend, so I have to make that part up.
But for the most part, I am able to emotionally envision what I want and need most from the someone that I want to spend the majority of my time with.
It keeps me from getting depressed and reminds me not to settle.
I don't know how much I believe in the Law of Attraction or The Secret or anything, so I don't know if I am actually "calling in" these things into my life. But I really might be.
I also might just be making myself open to opportunities when they arise.
If you don't believe you can do it, you don't try. But if you can really visualize it, then it becomes easy.
And I also know that even if things I envision become manifest, it is still illusory. Happiness can never come from anything external.
But if you can control the mirage and not be taken in by it, then by all means do it.
It is on us to squeeze as much joy as possible out of this lemon of a life.
5:08 a.m. - 2016-02-05
Recent entries:
Have I scared her off? Have I been too distant? - 2016-03-09
I procrastinate my writing by writing - 2016-03-07
Got it bad - 2016-02-25
Catching it early - 2016-02-23
Erica - 2016-02-17
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