Three weeks now with my therapist.
She told me today to start a journal. Journaling is good, she says.
Journaling is good.
I still don't know what to say about it. It feels weird, paying someone to talk to you.
She asked me today if I thought she cared about me. I told her that she had to in some general sense. It's her job to care, she wouldn't stay in this job if she didn't care about people. But me, personally?
I told her I don't know.
I break down crying in every session. I have never really talked about a lot of the stuff that is going on with me (outside of this blog, anyway) and it makes me feel vulnerable and exposed to talk about my life in this way.
I wonder if she judges me. What she thinks of me in general.
She told me today that I am a good man.
And then, completely reading my mind, said:
I bet right now you're thinking "what makes me a good man?"
But really though, what does make me a good man? You can't just apply that word to everyone. If every man is a "good man" than being a "good man" means absolutely nothing.
I have no evidence to suggest that I am actually a good man.
Likewise, I have no reason to believe that I "deserve to be happy."
What did I do to "deserve" happiness?
Every day I am supposed to say out loud that:
I am worthy.
I am not alone.
I am lovable.
I am strong.
I am capable of joy.
I do matter.
I don't believe any of those things just yet, but it will apparently take some time.
In the meantime, the goal remains to just stay alive. Things might get better.
I am not going to even try if things get worse.
11:00 p.m. - 2014-05-30
Recent entries:
Awake in My Tiny Cage - 2014-11-03
God. - 2014-10-27
I remember me. - 2014-10-17
The Paper - 2014-10-13
A Post About Not Doing Anything - 2014-10-12
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