God, I wish I had someone to talk to right now.
I just want to vent.
I just want to say the words out loud.
It's all building up inside of me and I feel like I am about to scream or break something or hurt myself.
Had I someone to talk to, this is what I would talk about:
I feel an overwhelming sense of worthlessness right now.
Nothing I do seem to be of value.
I am lonely (but that should go without saying, since I don't have anyone to talk to).
I am scared to death about my lack of future.
The only thing that I really love luckily happens to be the one tangible thing that I am actually good at: academia.
I am really pretty smart.
However, I was reminded again today that it doesn't matter how smart I am or what I do. The chances of getting a job as a professor or slim to none.
And even if I do get a job, adjuncts are getting paid less than minimum wage these days (the amount of homeless college professors is astounding).
So here I am, I can look ahead and see that the bridge is out. Yet, I don't stop. I keep the train going full speed. Just because I have no idea what else to do.
I am putting myself into immense debt just so that I can make less money than I do now.
Why the fuck am I in school?
And I am failing my math class. It makes me feel stupid. Stupid is the one and only negative adjective that I normally can't apply to myself.
My intelligence is really all I have.
But now I don't have that.
It makes me sick to my stomach. And that, surely, is making me do worse in math.
I found a tutor and thought that it was starting to make sense. I thought I did okay on my last test. But I got a D. The very first D I have ever had. Ever.
I don't know what else to do.
I am just not getting it.
I am discouraged and frustrated.
And that's not all.
My dad's cancer is back. They are not sure if they can even operate.
God damn it, my dad may be dying.
That's heavy.
That's really heavy.
I want to say these words out loud, but there is no one to listen.
My best friend might buy me a shot or something, but he does not know how to console.
My ex keeps going on about how popular I am, just because I get twenty likes every time I write a joke on Facebook.
But the truth is, that in the real world, I have no one.
No one at all.
I am all alone.
I know people would be sad if I killed myself. People would call me selfish.
And that is enough to keep me from doing anything right now. I don't want to break my mom's heart. I don't want to be the cause of people's sadness.
But the fact that I am not going to kill myself does not stop the increasing desire to do so.
It buzzes in my head constantly and I can't stop it.
I want to be well and keep trying to climb out of the hole.
But I keep falling deeper.
There seems to be no bottom.
All I do is fall.
4:09 p.m. - 2014-04-10
Recent entries:
Awake in My Tiny Cage - 2014-11-03
God. - 2014-10-27
I remember me. - 2014-10-17
The Paper - 2014-10-13
A Post About Not Doing Anything - 2014-10-12
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