I would make a promise that I will post on here more than once a semester, but we all know I don't keep my promises.
Here's what's up with Alayna.
She is cool with me calling me her girlfriend now.
And in the very same moment that we officially became official, she suggested that we move in together.
It's been kind of a tense couple of months since then.
Long story short:
I freaked out.
I always freak out.
I am a guy who freaks out when it comes to commitment.
I think that's the most stereotypically male thing about me.
I had some good rational reasons to be hesitant about cohabitation.
1. I am broke, she is less broke than I am.
She would end up paying for most of the rent and groceries and the like. And as much as I don't mind a woman earning more than me (and really, I don't), I would want to contribute more.
Relationships are partnerships, partnerships are equal.
Plus, paying 60% of the rent will only lead to resentment in the long run.
2. I am terrified to lose my apartment
This one is pretty similar to the first on the list. This is the only place that I can afford. I am afraid that if we moved in together and it didn't work out, I would end up homeless.
I have been homeless before (a couple of times) and really don't want to do that again. Especially now that school has tied me to this general location.
3. We don't know each other all that well.
This is the big one. It may end up being our downfall.
In fact, if things end between us it'll be because of this.
We don't see each other that much. That's actually what I really liked about the relationship. We see each other a couple of times a week, tops. We keep our own place and our own interests.
I am highly introverted and really need a lot of personal space and time to maintain my sanity.
Most girls I have dated have had a huge problem with that.
Scratch that, every girl I have dated has had a huge problem with that.
But Alayna is highly introverted too. I thought we were the perfect match.
But no, she wants more time. She wants me to invest in her and in us.
And that is more than reasonable.
So why can't I do it?
I really don't know.
I mean, really, I don't know.
So much conflict in my brain these days.
I am almost 33, I should commit. I should just take the plunge and have an adult relationship for the first time of my life.
but...
I have never fallen into any other social timelines or norms. So I am almost 33, so what? Does that mean I should settle for something that may not be right for me?
Is Alayna right for me?
What is right for me?
How will I ever know?
Because also...
I am probably super fucked up in the head. No, obviously I am.
I can't commit.
I can't relate.
I can't open up.
I want to spend the rest of my life alone, but know that I can't.
Fuck. I need a therapist.
I good one this time.
Writing out my problems is no longer a means to solve them.
Maybe it never was.
3:33 p.m. - 2013-12-04
Recent entries:
Awake in My Tiny Cage - 2014-11-03
God. - 2014-10-27
I remember me. - 2014-10-17
The Paper - 2014-10-13
A Post About Not Doing Anything - 2014-10-12
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