Big time panic attack today at the admissions office of the school where I will more than likely spend the next several years.
A big part of me wants to just write right now. No punctuation or space between words.
justtogetitalloutofmyheadlikeaprimalscream
I came home and ran up the ten flights of stairs and pulled out all of my paints and threw them so haphazardly against the canvas.
My panic attacks are all color and no form.
Just a giant mess of paint made sloppy by gravity.
I just want to live.
I want to fucking live.
I am so tired of all my worry and second-guessing.
Is college the right choice?
Is Alayna?
Is anything?
Fuck, man. Let's make some mistakes.
At least that's doing something, isn't it?
I may go back to school and fail horribly.
I may never learn to fly.
But what is better?
To crash following your passions
or to never leave the ledge due to fear?
Am I manic right now?
Have I forgotten my pills?
Have I skipped too many psychiatrist appointments?
God damn it. I just want to be well.
I just want to be alive.
To feel color and music and embrace everything all of this fairy and magic filled life
My rent is due soon and I don't even have money for food.
I am barefoot and covered in paint.
My body continues to malfunction.
but I embrace it all.
I grab the face of pain with both hands and kiss it hard on the lips.
I will take suffering and pin her hands above her head and push her against the wall.
If this is my life I will embrace it.
If this is all there is I will love it more than anything.
I don't know what I am saying really.
I don't know where I am going with this rant.
Kierkegaard once said that anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.
This must be what I am feeling right now.
I am not confined. I have no borders. I can do anything.
And so much possibility creates a bit of vertigo.
I am scared to step out into the sun and actually live.
But step out I am doing nonetheless.
8:08 p.m. - 2012-11-27
Recent entries:
Awake in My Tiny Cage - 2014-11-03
God. - 2014-10-27
I remember me. - 2014-10-17
The Paper - 2014-10-13
A Post About Not Doing Anything - 2014-10-12
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