I, for one, am a man that is cursed to not be able to sleep past six am after a night of drinking.
I don't know why. It's how it has always been.
So here I am, left to contemplate last night and all that occurred.
I don't drink much. But I've going through a bit of a rough patch recently and just wanted to let loose a little. So last night my friend Andre meets me downtown for a drink and we decide to "do something fun."
I don't know why we were kidding ourselves with euphemisms. It was pretty clear to both of us that "doing something fun" really just meant "trying to get girls to let us see them naked."
But I suppose we really did want to have fun while attempting said goal as well. So after a shot and a beer and some fumbling on the internet via smartphones, we found this underground art show that seemed to be exactly everything we wanted.
It was described as a "pscyhedelic" art experience, and seemed to be a mixture of a rave and art installation. Digital images projected to the rhythm of music. If nothing else, it seemed interesting.
Also, it was free.
But here was the thing, here in Denver it was snowing. A lot. So much so that when we finally found the giant warehouse that was home to this art show, the power had gone completely out in that entire part of town.
An all digital art show without electricity.
The two story warehouse was completely dark save for people using their cell phones as flashlights and a few stray candles. Somewhere in the distance we heard a guy doing Radiohead covers on his ukulele.
This was actually probably more awesome than the digital art show would have been and we would have settled in there for the night, but the owners had just decided to call the thing a loss and shut everything down.
Before we left though, a cute kind of goth artist zeroed in on Andre. Every time he talked, she would touch him on the arm and then respond in an entirely misplaced valley girl accent,
"like, ohmygod. It's so awesome that you know all that. You are so smart."
If I made a joke, she would laugh and smile at him as if he made it. Damn, I am a good wing man.
Andre likes the "normal" girls though and wasn't interested.
No one gave me a second glance.
Do I reek of desperation? Am I desperate? I think I was just looking for a little validation. It's been a rough year. A year where I've felt broken in so many ways. I just wanted to feel desired again. But I know that it's just not how these things work.
People are attracted to people who don't need affirmation. In this sense, the rich do just get richer. And those of us in need are stuck in a cycle of rejection.
After the darkened show, we hit the jazz club (have I mentioned that Denver is awesome?) where, for whatever reason, the band was doing Billy Joel covers and I became drunk.
There was this rather beautiful and hip half-black girl there with gorgeous and hypnotizing curly hair. She was actually everything that I was going to write about this morning, but now that I'm reflecting on it, there is really not much to say.
I bought her a drink and she just didn't care. She disappeared back into her circle of friends.
This drunk couple at the bar saw it all and consoled me. The girl part of the couple (and again, very drunk) insisted that I was really cute and could do so much better.
"Fuck her curly hair. She wasn't nice. She wasn't a nice person. You are really cute. You could do better. I am going to be your wing girl and we are going to find you someone hot. She was just not nice."
She continued in that vein for the rest of the night.
I settled in at the bar with a glass of warm whiskey and talked to her boyfriend about the meaning of life.
It wasn't sex. It wasn't even an adequate replacement for sex. But it was nice.
Which leads me to here. A bit hungover and a lot more poor. Wondering if I'll ever get my mojo back; or if I ever had it at all.
And knowing that ultimately until I learn to not need women, I will never have one.
6:55 a.m. - 2012-11-11
Recent entries:
Awake in My Tiny Cage - 2014-11-03
God. - 2014-10-27
I remember me. - 2014-10-17
The Paper - 2014-10-13
A Post About Not Doing Anything - 2014-10-12
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