we were young and starved for adventure.
i had a cabinet full of liquor and a half bottle of wine.
johnny cash was on the television.
i am rather proud of my colorado friends. we look like bums and act accordingly. every wednesday evening we celebrate art and death and sex and God by engaging in wine and conversations. sometimes sitcoms and oprah. sometimes tbn.
last night after drinking some wine and watching the johnny cash tribute we, being bored and so utterly sad and restless, sought adventure out in the cold colorado night.
hit of whiskey. sip of vodka. quick phone call with my brother, who i hardly ever get to talk to, and we were off.
the deserted downtown.
the top of the parking garage. (my favorite place)
where joe and his new girl snuck into corners to engage is sweet nothings and while i, giving them space to do so, looked into office windows and wrote poetry to the city and the darkness.
the coffee shop. where i dramatically read sections of romance novels and felt so slightly in the way of my friend's young love. i kept talking. i didnt know what else to do.
then, where? what else could we do? the young lass (who i just met and presently cant remember the name of) says mountains and so off we go. quick stop at the liquor shop. southern comfort and coke. and zoom! up to the pine scented darkness and manitou springs.
so drunk and so cold. we walked the dark streets by the metaphysical shops and closed down tourist traps. i smoked so sullenly wishing for a girl to hold.
another coffee shop. with celtic music and organic cornflakes. i became ginsberg and burroughs and neil cassidy. i talked about the titans of our world. the puppet masters. God, Sex and Death. inescable, i said. all our lives are just running from or too one of those three things. often all at once. it was a sad and spiritual talk and so utterly vivid in its scope.
one would leave and the other two still at the table would talk. mostly it was me saying "yes, yes, she is a wonderful girl." and "yes, he is a hard man to love but he digs you and he is worth it."
we talked about my love problems. how i foolishly tried to deny my desires to avoid the dissapointment of not seeing them fulfilled. i decided then to love and live without fear. i just dont know how to do it.
then as quickly as we went up, back down to the city. listening to tom petty and talking and dreaming all at once. the whiskey made my face numb.
i stumbled into my bed with a glass of water (its important to stay hydrated) and felt my first sting of guilt for the evening.
i wondered what all this was and what was the point of anything.
i remembered how i felt that same pain in my ministry days as i lay in bed under God's mysteries.
how i might always feel that feeling. no matter what and how and where i live my life.
with that i feel asleep.
somehow knowing, that inspite of everything, i am still cradled by the hand of God.
still so very much alive in the beautiful world of dark unknowingness.
10:15 a.m. - 2005-11-17
Recent entries:
Awake in My Tiny Cage - 2014-11-03
God. - 2014-10-27
I remember me. - 2014-10-17
The Paper - 2014-10-13
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