one of the reasons why my girlfriend and i broke up was because of my dealings with God.
Jesus + me x her = chaos.
but inspite of the fact that i wasnt able to sacrifice this faith of mine for love, i would still hesitate to say that i am anywhere near being a christian.
well, at least in some things.
right now i am decked out in a suit and tie.
right now i am sitting at the computer, stalling, not wanting to walk into that church building until i absolutely have to.
i am thinking, here and now, that the reason is not so much God that i dont like but the people who are associated with him.
his entourage so to speak.
and this isnt a "christians suck because they are mean and exclusive." kind of thing either.
its really more of a "i dont know how to relate the inner depths of my soul to almost complete strangers" kind of a thing.
think about it. in mere moments i will walk into a building filled with people who only have one thing in common with me.
that thing being a deeply personal and largely intangible thing.
and somehow i am expected to share that thing, this faith, this most secret and intimate part of me, in the hopes of making friends.
hell, not even friends. in the hopes of making casual conversation.
is it just me?
i can hardly to talk to Jesus without it feeling extremely akward. i can only imagine the feeling that comes from trying to talk to Him with a hundred people listening.
(even if they are not really listening there is always the chance of being overheard or having your lips read or something.)
its like those people who propose at televised sports events.
they can have it. those who feel the need to be in a large group and make one awesome noise of love and appreciation.
me? i'll just be here in the corner.
writing whispers of praise in a notebook.
trying to figure this all out.
9:41 a.m. - 2005-05-08
Recent entries:
Awake in My Tiny Cage - 2014-11-03
God. - 2014-10-27
I remember me. - 2014-10-17
The Paper - 2014-10-13
A Post About Not Doing Anything - 2014-10-12
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