as i was leaving the resturant last night, i noticed that i was having a very hard time focusing on my new "they might be giants" cd.
my mind kept going back to the conversation that had just taken place.
it was one of those conversations were a bunch of people who believe in God sit around and try to prove that God exists.
those conversations have been making me very tired recently (and by tired, i mean spiritually, emotionally, and mentally drained) and i couldnt figure out why.
but somewhere during the second verse of "doctor worm" i had a small revelation.
over the past year or so my thoughts, especially my thoughts on God, have been very constant but conflicted.
its as if there is a continous debate happening in my brain.
anytime my mind is not preoccupied with something, it is focused on the God question.
which is largely why i am always looking for some kind of escapism.
because i need to get away from the conflicting, confusing questions that are always plaguing me for the answers that i dont have.
thats why i go to the movies
thats why i write about dumb stuff
i am just trying to distract my brain.
and it usually works.
then enter the God conversation, or a new book and my brain starts all over again, but with more intensity.
because the person or the author will present a new idea:
"God is _______"
which instantly causes my mind to think:
"if God is _________, then i am ______, _____, and _________ and therefore ________ is completly wrong. but is it really wrong? because the bible says _____ and since the bible can't contradict itself ___________ must mean _________, and i am going to hell."
and this is just because of the first freaking sentence!
an entire conversation like this completly wipes me out.
which is why i dont like going to church, especially my bible study.
thats why i shy away from "good christian fellowship".
its because i dont know who God is.
its as if i am working on three giant jigsaw puzzles at the same time, frantically trying to find the right pieces for the right puzzle, and people just keep dumping new pieces onto my lap.
it makes me tired.
i dont really have a conclusion to this revelation; no new application for my daily life.
i am no less lost than usual.
but somehow i think i'm on the right track.
11:07 a.m. - 2004-01-08
Recent entries:
Awake in My Tiny Cage - 2014-11-03
God. - 2014-10-27
I remember me. - 2014-10-17
The Paper - 2014-10-13
A Post About Not Doing Anything - 2014-10-12
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