i am grumpy and brooding over my horrible attempts at poetry.
i have the worst writer's block.
and i think i know why.
my mind is cluttered with whether or not i am willfully seeking the will of God.
i say "God, i will do anything you tell me, but you never tell me to do anything"
and then the thought comes that i might just have selective hearing.
that i am so afraid of God asking me to do something i dont want to do, that i stop listening all together.
if this is the case, its not intentional.
but then i think, maybe i am just supposed to do what i want. its God who gives us our desires right?
or
are our desires tricks to keep us from the perfect will of God?
does the lord help those who help themselves?
or
am i supposed to be completly dependent?
is my happiness important?
does what i want matter at all?
what do i want?
i want to do way too much.
what am i good at?
i am decent at a lot of things
really good at nothing.
then there are all the people asking the questions.
"so, what are you going to do in december?"
"how is your relationship with God?"
"remember its not about rules, its about relationship"
yeah, but if you break the rules the relationship is severed.
so it is all about rules.
and whatever you do you cannot miss the will of God when making decisions.
but how can i obey the will of God when he wont tell me what it is?
or when i am not listening?
or when i am confused, and stressed, and frustrated.
and completly lost.
i am glad i staid with christianity,
i just love repeatedly running into brick walls
10:45 p.m. - 2003-09-14
Recent entries:
Awake in My Tiny Cage - 2014-11-03
God. - 2014-10-27
I remember me. - 2014-10-17
The Paper - 2014-10-13
A Post About Not Doing Anything - 2014-10-12
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