I can never really tell if it something that I did myself or if it just stopped all on its own, but I am always so incredibly grateful when the floodwaters of depression start to recede.
I can't say I am free and clear just yet. It seems like lately, my depression and anxiety have remained at about chest height, ready to envelop me again at any moment.
But I am breathing my first gasp of air in a while and that's wonderful enough to make me cry tears of joy and gratitude.
It's such a relief.
I can look around at the damage done.
I wish I hadn't shaved my head (I had such great hair)
And I wish I hadn't blown up my shot with Nadia (and who knows, maybe that's recoverable)
But on the whole I am alive.
And that really is something.
And now that I am slightly free of what has become my daily paralysis, I plan to use my time to prepare for the next wave. To see if I can prevent it or mitigate it somewhat.
I am definitely going to get on meds. My problem is that I don't have insurance or a doctor. But I am applying for medicaid (which I think I can get) and if I get it, then I will not only be able to get some brain drugs, but I will also be able to see a doctor for my chronic pain stuff. I haven't been to a doctor in at least three years. I am supposed to see one every few months.
So that could be helpful.
I am also really trying to regiment some known natural remedies for mental illness.
As we all know, things like eating right, exercising, staying active,finding creative challenges, being social, and etc. are much easier to do when one is feeling positive and up. And they are still kind of hard to do even then.
But this is truly life or death for me, so I have to find a way to do these things and learn to keep doing them. Especially when I am feeling like shit.
I think about Teddy Roosevelt and his philosophy that no good ever came out of an easy and luxurious life.
That what one needed to get over depression and illness and all of life's challenges was a rigorous life. To challenge oneself constantly. To pursue what scares you.
My life has felt quite frail lately, and thus I have been delicate with it.
I have been careful and risk averse, a toy kept in its original packaging lest I damage it.
But I maybe what I need is a good forging, some tempering, a little trial by fire.
Maybe the best way to prove to myself that I am worth something is to go out and do something of worth.
It's time to act as strong as I actually am.
And then get stronger.
2:06 p.m. - 2017-09-09
Recent entries:
Dallas: Day 3 - 2017-10-22
Dallas: Day 3 - 2017-10-22
Dallas: Day 2 - 2017-10-21
Dallas - 2017-10-19
31 days - 2017-10-11
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