Given that my chronic pain becomes worse during times of stress and/or emotional upheaval, I have developed a sort of superpower where I can basically feel every negative emotion as muscle pain within my body.
This has caused me to seek out peaceful solutions to conflict and learn mindfulness and let things go easier. And whenever my pain suddenly seems worse, it forces me to make sure that there are no emotional issues that I am trying to ignore.
This last week my pain has been the worst it has possibly ever been. I have had trouble getting words out, my back, arm, and leg muscles have been spasming almost constantly. There is no comfortable position to be in. Standing, sitting, or lying down all makes me tear up in pain.
The other night, as I was in my shower sitting under the hottest water I could stand, I began to ask myself what was going on.
Everything has been going so well. My meds have been working and I am being more free and confident and present. What could possibly be causing me so pain?
And then I remembered that I am going to Dallas this weekend. And at that realization I sobbed for close to an hour.
The first time I went to Dallas, I was 17. I was a romantic and idealistic homeschooled Christian who fully believed that God had called him to be a missionary. So I moved to a city that I had never been to, where I didn't know anyone, and dedicated the next three years of my life to a rather intense vocational Bible school. I would do Bible study and theological training in the morning, and a "practical ministry" internship with a pastor in the afternoon. It was supposed to be an accelerated course of study for people wanting the fast track to being in the ministry.
What it was in actuality (at least from my current perspective) was dogged emotional abuse.
Most of our time was spent doing grunt work for the megachurch that housed the school. Shampooing carpets, setting up and tearing down banquet halls, janitorial work, helping families in the church move without compensation (all of whom lived in bigger houses and had nicer cars than I will ever possess), and anything else that was needed of us.
We did get some Bible training in—all in the vein of the deeply fundamentalist, crazy Evangelical theology that hates the homosexual, denies evolution and climate change, and put Trump in the White House—but we were frequently only allowed to do our studies when the church did not have any other need of us.
We worked for about sixty hours a week with no pay, were made to fast one day a week, only allowed to watch G rated movies and read only Christian books, and not allowed to date until our second year.
And I loved it.
I loved it because I loved God and I thought that this must be what really, truly serving him looked like. I went above and beyond what was required of me. Where we were required to only pray 45 minutes a day, I would eventually end up praying over 3 hours every day. I made a vow that I would not only not date for the whole three years that I was in school, but that I would also never kiss anyone until my wedding day. I memorized over 600 Bible verses. I went out on the weekends and street preached downtown. The weeknights were reserved for the library of the Denver Theological Seminary, where I would do extracurricular reading.
My depression and anxiety (which I had experienced for years without calling it that) came in full force during my third year of the school. By then, I was the main speaker for a traveling ministry team and frequently got to preach at our mega church's youth group.
We as a church didn't believe in mental illness. We saw it as a symptom of sin and lack of faith. You will not be surprised to learn that my agonizing repentance for being depressed only furthered my depression and strengthened my belief that I was vile and lazy and unworthy of anything.
When I approached my pastor (who was letting me live in his guest room) about everything I was feeling, he looked me in the eye and said "what do you have to be depressed about?" He then prayed for me and told me that because I was in leadership, it was my duty to seem positive and victorious. So make sure to keep smiling and living as if everything is okay.
I followed his advice as best as I could. I kept things inside. Something that my dad had also explicitly told me to do when I was much younger, because "the children of a pastor are a reflection of his ministry," so I was already practiced at this endeavor. In fact, I would not seek help for my depression for another 11 years.
Eventually I had a nervous breakdown. I told no one about it. I kept smiling. But after I graduated and went through another three years of pretending to be okay, working as a children's pastor and an inner city missionary, I eventually lost my faith and walked away from God.
Everyone at the megachurch (save a few exceptions) excommunicated me. Rumors spread that I was now gay and on drugs and who knows what else.
It's really only been the last few years that I have become aware of how traumatic these experiences were. Dallas crushed me in more ways than I can know.
And now, for the first time in 13 years, I am going back.
One of the only people that I still stay in touch with from that church bought my plane ticket. Not for any particularly special reason. I decided to accept the offer.
It's time I faced this place again. It's time I processed through it and released it.
I leave tomorrow morning. Every muscle is tense and screaming in pain.
We will see how this goes.
3:41 p.m. - 2017-10-19
Recent entries:
Alysson Writes - 2017-10-25
Trinity: Dallas, Day 4 - 2017-10-23
Dallas: Day 3 - 2017-10-22
Dallas: Day 3 - 2017-10-22
Dallas: Day 2 - 2017-10-21
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
holdensolo
loveherwell
lust-
bantenhut
nudeplatypus
comebacktome
musicman575
i-lost-sarah
newschick
stardumb
hexes
gonzoprophet
cybers1ut
meffinmisfit
movingsands
the-grey-one
dangerspouse
unowhatilike
silverluna
elusive-you
tobehis
kenny-loo
brothasistas
my-rant
is-life
godsintimate
ruby--sky
creme-egg
darkly-blue
reevo
i-am-jack
similar
dooki
dagkyo
obijuan
buddyboy5
u2october
mojo1915
dudemanflab
aryssa90
baby--girl
alwaysinhim
cindylou03
gr8legs
greenstar7
krunkjazz
spittingame