I am feeling totally freaked out and overwhelmed right now.
I have had my head in the sand when dealing with GRE and Grad School stuff, but now I have like ten fucking weeks to study for and take the GRE and get my applications in. God. Fuck. Holy shit.
I still don't know where I am going to apply. I know what I want to do but I don't know the best way to do it. I don't know how I am going to afford any of this shit. I don't know how I am going to get all my stuff to some other part of the country. I don't know if I can handle being even more alone. I don't know if I can deal with the stress and competition. And shit, I know I already said this, but I don't know how I am going to fucking pay for any of this shit. The GRE alone is like $200. Grad School applications are like $80 a piece. Fuck. God Damn it.
For as much as I have worried about these things, I am wholly unprepared for them. I don't know what to expect and I don't know even really know what steps to take.
I wish I had some sort of support system. I wish someone was here to help me.
I am so fucking sick of having to do everything alone.
I am overwhelmed and tired and stressed and lonely and horny and feeling wholly inadequate to deal with anything.
Sometimes things feel like they are getting better, but they usually end up far worse.
I am more poor and more alone now than I was this time last year.
I sometimes feel like my pursuing a career in academia is just a way to delay my suicide by a few years. What will I do when there are no more degrees to work for?
Fuck it. Writing isn't helping right now. Breathing and meditation isn't helping. Isolation isn't helping and neither is playing nice with others.
I want life to have meaning. I want to have deep connections and joy.
But I don't know how.
It's just one more thing that I am bad at.
I really just want to give up.
But I won't. Not today. I'll just keep going.
Maybe someday things will be different.
Maybe someday I will go for great lengths of time without wishing I was dead.
12:07 p.m. - 2016-09-06
Recent entries:
Casual Sex - 2016-10-04
Better-ish - 2016-09-25
How Does Your Garden Grow? - 2016-09-23
Breakthrough - 2016-09-10
Thus Quoth Linkin Park: "I am one step closer to the edge..." - 2016-09-07
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