If the mind is a garden that one must cultivate
than mine is a very rocky and arid terrain.
I do alright for a bit. Have my breakthroughs. Write victory posts on here about how I finally have the right perspective and that everything is going to be fine.
But then...
And so...
And here I am again.
I don't know about you, but I notice that as I work on my depression my lows are less frequent but far more intense when they come.
But then again, I've been down for months now.
I don't want to be down anymore.
But I don't know how much control I have over that.
I want to love myself so deeply that I will never again be shaken by the opinions of others.
But I don't love myself that deeply yet. I am nowhere close.
And I keep receiving messages, or at least I keep interpreting innocuous things as messages, that I am liked but not loved.
Never loved.
Foolish boy.
I tell myself that I don't care. That I will love myself deeply. That I will enjoy my life deeply. With or without someone to share it with.
But in response my skin cries out to be touched. My heart wilts. My physical pain increases.
And I think about how awfully nice it will be to die or be something else or disappear.
Because I have no control over how others see me.
And I don't think they really even see me at all.
These are big stones to move out of the garden of my mind.
I need a solid rain to soak through the soil.
I am desperate for something good to happen. Anything.
3:55 p.m. - 2016-09-23
Recent entries:
My thoughts today. - 2016-10-17
It's a start. - 2016-10-13
So done. - 2016-10-08
Casual Sex - 2016-10-04
Better-ish - 2016-09-25
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