I am sitting at a coffee shop in South Philly.

We look like we are homeless. We are homeless, but now we look like like it. Our luggage and pillows and backpacks are piled up so much that each of us has to have our own table. We have two or three hours before we can go to where we are staying and put our stuff away.

I left my weed vape pen at a Motel 6 in Delaware this morning. It might hurt more than the loss of my car. Which is funny, because we still have a lot of weed. But that was still a great pen.

Now that we are back on the road, all of the stresses are creeping back in. Maybe just the financial stresses. I am looking at my half-eaten sandwich and feel saddened by how it costs $6 of the $75 that is supposed to last me the next 16 days. I don't think I am going to make it. I need more money and soon. I started looking for jobs I can do on the road today.

Time is an issue though. I will be reading an essay in New York in 10 days and I still haven't written it. It's outlined vaguely, but I still need a solid 5 hour block for me to really focus in and write. Hopefully tomorrow. Then hopefully some sort of job or something.

I told a friend this morning that financial stress and the feelings of just getting by are simply exhausting. I think that alone is the reason why I became so depressed when broke in Nashville and New Orleans. When you are in this place, it is so hard to get out of. It is a black hole that requires all of your energy and thoughts.

I want to focus my energy and thoughts on creative things. I want to write. I want to contemplate the human condition. I want to search for spiritual truth. I want to get laid sometimes. These things are worthy pursuits. But far too many of us spend all of our time scrambling to cover Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Being one with the cosmos just doesn't pay the rent. No wonder so many of history's best known philosophers were born rich. Who else has the time to think?

Well, I do. Because I am a goddamn monk. I gave up the comforts of bed and house and financial security to become fucking enlightened. And maybe to get laid sometimes. I am supposed to be free, because freedom is just another word for nothin' left to lose. That's why I hate feeling stressed about money. I thought I had moved past it.

But this is part of everything anyway. What good is fucking enlightenment if it does not speak to the fucking real world?

I seek peace in every circumstance. I want to be a deep well of joy, patience, compassion, and understanding that is unaffected by the world. Or rather, is moved towards action by the outside world without being corrupted or destroyed by it.

And in the meantime, I seek a job.

3:02 p.m. - 2018-09-20