I don't know.

There is much I want to explore today in that way that only writing can capture.

Where my typing fingers are faster than my conscious thoughts. Where I am just as surprised by what I write as a reader would be in discovering this entry.

But there is too much.

I can try to capture certain thoughts, memories, experiences, feelings, all of the things brimming over the top of me, recklessly splashing to the floor,
but I think what I'd capture is mere symptoms of the thing being described.
It is because I am overwhelmed that I am noticing and feeling the weight of all these details. It is not the details themselves that are the problem.

I used to paint a lot. I was never all that good at it. At least not "good" in some sort of technical sense.
It was always just a lot of paint thrown against the canvas. Maybe a phrase or a word attached somewhere in the chaos.
It was a way of processing that which I am now trying to process through words.

It's like what I am feeling is so much, is so close to me, that all I can see is the color and texture of it. Just a handful of pixels, a few strands of the tapestry. I have no clue what it is that I am actually seeing. The picture is distorted.

I had this recurring nightmare when I was child. I still have it sometimes. I am sort of "dreaming" it right now as I type.

There is no plot to the dream. There is not much to it all, really. It is more just a sensation. I find myself being pulled up and up and up with everything below me getting smaller and smaller and I can't make out what I am looking at.
But then suddenly, I am quickly dropped and at an extremely fast pace everything comes rushing into my view, far too fast to see anything other than a blur, and then I stop at a sub-microscopic level. Cowering under what looks to me to be some giant spike, but I understand to be maybe an eye lash or carpet fiber or hair on someone's head.
And I am too close to it. And it is too big. It hurts my eyes to try to take it in.
And then I am pulled back. Up and up, farther and farther.
So quickly my stomach drops.
Then zoom back, smaller and smaller, I feel I will be impaled on whatever this spike thing is.
But I always stop with my nose almost touching it.
And back and forth like this. Again and again.
It feels violent. It feels out of my control. I hate it. I can't wake up from it.

And I don't know, that's kind of how the world feels to me right now.

Big picture stuff is oppressive and depressing and way beyond the control of mere peasants like myself.
Medium picture stuff is full of relationships and friendships that are resistant to the boundaries I try to set but are also grateful for all the giving that I give that it makes me feel guilty for feeling so stepped on.
Small picture stuff has me obsessing over my neurosis and how I deal with the world and what my place is in it and if I will ever be okay receiving love and why do I feel such shame all the time and why oh why can't I just function like an adult and get out of my head and start doing things instead of just thinking thinking thinking non-stop on the same loop?

And all of that is flashing past me so quickly that all I really see is a blur.
That is until I am so close to one aspect that it is all I see and can't do anything but tremble at my smallness compared to its immensity.

All there is are bright bold colors and maybe a word or phrase thrown into the chaos

And in the meantime the bruised feelings and hurt egos of those trying to love me
How they want to understand but don't
Like it is my fault, this wall between us.
Perhaps it is my fault.

It all feels like chaos.
I keep trying to step back from it.
I keep trying to find quiet.
But the noise is coming from the inside.

I hate it. I can't wake up from it.

I know somewhere hidden in all of this is my super power.

But Jesus Christ, how do I fucking channel it?

What can one do with all the feelings one feels?

10:28 a.m. - 2021-04-15