Went on a long rant about her on here. Then deleted it.
In part because it was the kind of ramble where I am clearly making a lot of grammatical errors and everything is just pouring out in an almost non-sensical way. Where I don't know what details are important and so I get buried under minutiae instead of giving a proper picture of the puzzling pickle we're in.
I think what it comes down to is that she has a giant rejection complex and a lot of self-hatred. So she's always on the look out for confirmation that I am miserable and can't stand her or am annoyed by some behavior she is doing.
And I have all these tics and mannerisms that could be reasonably interpreted as displeasure when in fact they are just weird tics and mannerisms. I have trouble looking people in the eye for example. I apparently don't smile much or laugh out loud. I daze out looking out the window or at some pattern of reflected light on the walls. So while I may be happy, I don't look it. Not on purpose, it's just my face.
And this combination is brutal.
She is almost always certain that I'm mad at her. I am almost always confused as to why she thinks that.
I feel guilty. I don't want to hurt her feelings. But when I try to explain, she interprets my explanation as an attack against her. And eventually I get frustrated at constantly telling her I'm not mad and then we both get triggered and implode into self-hatred and apologies and on and on.
We care about each other, but we are bad for each other. At least as a couple. I want to keep her in my life in some capacity, but I think dating each other is a bad idea.
But she tells me she can't sleep when I'm away. That she feels groundless and can't stop crying. That she is constantly worried that I will leave her and when I go away to visit my parents soon that she will never hear from me again.
And that devastates me.
I know all this shit is unhealthy. It's likely a trauma bond that we have. But still, I care for her deeply and want her to be okay and flourishing and as vibrant and creative as she is when she's feeling like herself.
And I want to be okay and flourishing as well.
It's so hard to realize that I can't help her. Or maybe I am helping, I don't know. Sometimes it feels we lift each other up, sometimes like we pull each other down.
We have 10 to 15 days left together. She is already breaking down crying because I will be leaving. I am sad about it too.
But this shit is unsustainable. I don't know what to do.
Or rather, I know what to do, I just don't want to cause her more pain. I do not feel ready to go through with it.
8:24 a.m. - 2022-03-01
Recent entries:
Forest Paradise - 2022-04-07
The Glorious future, The Tragic Past - 2022-04-02
On Time in Arizona - 2022-03-23
The end of the Van, the beginning of something else - 2022-03-16
20 Years a Blog - 2022-03-04
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