As I start typing it is 1:38 in the morning.
I am sitting alone in the cavernous and ornate art deco train station in Cincinnati, Ohio.
Waiting on a midnight train to Chicago recently delayed yet another two hours.
There is an Amish baby that was crying near me a minute ago. But has since been soothed by her kind Amish father.
The fact that they are Amish is incidental, mentioned solely for the aesthetic of the description. The hat, the beard, the boots, the bonnet.
Immediately before my arrival to the station, was a twenty minute silent drive. Punctuated only by tears and brief discussions as to where to turn. I have been informed by text that her tears are no longer silent and have also increased in abundance. I am trying to keep it together by writing out my feelings instead of letting them run all over my clothes. Working out well so far.
I suppose I have been a boyfriend for the better part of three weeks now. It has been full of very boyfriendy things. I have pulled from the top shelf of the grocery store. I have assembled furniture and moved couches and offered my opinion on the rug even though we both knew my opinion was untrained and unneeded but she was asking just to be nice. I followed her patiently at Bath and Body Works on discounted Yankee Candle day (and did so considerably more cheerfully than the other boyfriends and husbands in tow, I might add). She even started peeing with the door open and I acted totally unbothered by that.
And of course, other more real and authentic things. I came to help her move to a new city and help her get settled as much as possible. And I knew well before the start that it would mean a lot more than helping her set up her internet and whatever.
And I want to say that it has been trying or overwhelming or whatever I would normally say after spending a lot of time providing emotional support while having virtually no time alone.
But the truth is, I am really just sad to be leaving her now. Sad at how sad she is, but also because of how much I already miss her. The latter being more surprising to me than you'd think. Not because of her, but because of me and how detached and in love with my solitude I usually am.
Part of me knows that these last three weeks have been an illusion of sorts. I made myself so incredibly flexible that I'd put goddamned Gumby to shame.
This is true whenever I stay with someone while traveling. I try to not have expectations or too many wants and go along as well as I can with whatever my host needs or wants. I try hard to anticipate the shape and feel of an environment and then bend and squeeze myself into the appropriate size. All carefully looking as casual about it as possible, as if it is not a constant source of anxiety and dread. And I am generally good at it and generally end up having a good time. It gets me out of my head and encourages me to try new things and engage with the person I'm with in a way that is meaningful to them.
And that impulse goes into overdrive in a romantic sexual boyfriendy situation. I like making her happy and really truly genuinely don't care where we eat or what we watch or where we go. All of that is fine. Every experience is an experience and if it is with her than it is shared and therefore sacred. I'm not bothered by the details, really. So I am generally speaking more than happy to comply with almost anything.
Especially when there is the ticking clock that comes with travel. A frequent mantra of mine is "anyone can do anything for x amount of time." I can eat this food, sleep on this floor, listen to these stories for a few days or weeks or whatever. I am far more patient and flexible and feel far less of a need to impose my self or my will on someone if I know I will only be with them a short time. Why bother, right?
And to be honest, I really kind of hate imposing my will and deciding what I want. I honestly am so relieved to lay down my arms and let someone else dictate what activities the day holds.
Until, of course, I am in the thing for a while and start to feel resentment because I actually am a real person with real wants and boundaries and needs and all of that has been boxed up and put into the attic. All for the sake of someone's supposed happiness. A happiness that would probably be more genuine and visceral if they were in a relationship with a real whole person and not some wish granting genie or friendly ghost.
Which is why I am glad to be waiting on a train why she is crying and watching Three Men and a Baby (a movie that comforts her when she's most sad)
I mean, I'm not glad. It hurts. But it is a good thing.
I need some time away from her emotions so that I am able to listen to mine again for a second. I need to zero in on just what is it that I truly want.
Four weeks ago, my goal was aloneness. Solitary adventures through the wilds of America. Writing, writing, writing. Never settling down but having an assortment of wonderful life changing lovers throughout my life.
I don't want to be in a relationship. But I do want to be with her. I love her, though I have not yet said those words to her. I want her to be happy and nourished and cared for and cherished. I want to watch the beauty of her growth as a person.
I don't want to be monogamous even though I mostly choose solitude over sex. I think I just like the option. And to be sure, there are flirtations in other states. Nothing serious, perhaps, but still nonetheless meaningful.
Mostly though it is the solitude that makes me hesitant to commit. The desire for solitude because I can't help but feel people's emotions when I am with them, because I want to make people happy if I can. I have to be alone because it feels like it's the only time I get to actually be myself.
The rest of the time I am quiet, complacent, actively listening and very little else.
I will come back to her soon, after a little more time on the road, after a little more thinking this through.
Maybe I will find a way to remain my whole self with her. Maybe we will find a way.
I think I want that. But I have a hard time knowing what I feel at all.
1:37 a.m. - 2021-12-06
Recent entries:
Birthday Birthday Blah Blah Blah - 2022-01-22
A dream - 2022-01-20
Another day wasted, another day of growth - 2022-01-06
In a Basement on an air mattress, freshly showered - 2021-12-20
A Pattern, A Purpose (so sorry all my entries have been so long lately) - 2021-12-10
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