Sometimes, like now, I feel I have disappointed the whole world.
Person by person, each one I have met I have let down.
And it's worse for the ones that care about me
that love me
and just want me to love them back
And I do. I do. I swear it.
But they don't seem to see it.
They don't see the why of my silence.
They project their own reasons.
I want the freedom to be held and really break down and cry
big, ugly tears, you know?
Sobbing violently into someone's shoulder
leaving a large wet spot on their shirt
I don't know why I don't feel I can have that.
I guess it feels too scary to be open and vulnerable.
That it will be weaponized against me
That it will be used to keep me emotionally indebted
I am not a robot.
I just resemble one sometimes
I just turn off instead of exploding
But it doesn't matter what I am
all of us just tangled up in our trauma
Bumping into each other, spreading heartache like a venereal disease
The thing is, I write about me like I am an asshole
But I don't think I actually am
I am just, as my friend said earlier tonight, really, really, really sensitive
more sensitive than anyone she knows
I see a flicker of pain on someone's face and I blame myself
I accidentally trip over a trigger
or don't react enough to a gift
or forget to send someone a text on their big day
And for that I penalize and brutalize myself
I want to be perfect.
I want to be Jesus.
Not the actual Jesus, mind you,
but the one that lives in people's heads
the one that's nice all the time and always loving with the right thing to say
and great hair
I want to be great haired Jesus.
But I am a disappointment.
A disappointment to everyone.
Sometimes I am more than that.
But I am always that eventually.
I just get so tired sometimes.
So damn tired of being me.
9:52 p.m. - 2021-07-13
Recent entries:
Less of an update, more of a teaser of an update - 2021-10-16
Howl at the New Moon - 2021-09-10
Well, Well, look Who’s Inside Again (Went Out to Look For a Reason to Hide Again) - 2021-08-29
Like that Bruno Mars song. No, the other one. - 2021-08-04
New Stuff, who dis? - 2021-07-30
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