I will try to keep this one short
(a feat always strived for but rarely accomplished)
The dog needs to be walked or at least let out. He surely needs to poop and sniff things and I can empathize with that.
But it's cold out and I am comfy. Still naked in bed.
Thinking random amorous thoughts about no one in particular.
Just missing the sensations of warm skin and lips and all sorts of invigorating scents and frictions and feelings.
So though I do need to get up and get going and do things, I am sure I will still linger here in bed for a while longer after I am done writing here.
Cold Saturday January mornings are a great time for sex, I would imagine. Or rather, will soon imagine in more focused detail.
But I came here to write that I will turn 40 in 21 days and am trying to decide what to do with myself.
Parties are a no go for both pandemic and personal reasons. I don't really know many people here anyway. But I definitely should do something.
I have written on here a time or two before that my 40th birthday has been a sort of goalpost for me the past few years. Namely the date in which I felt I could safely say that I have given existence "the ole' college effort" and could then allow myself to fall into a more eternal type rest.
Specifically speaking, I have for years fantasized about driving to Big Sur, California and on the morning or evening of my birthday, slipping into the ocean never again to return.
And well, to be frank about it, now that I am just a few weeks from my long-planned scenario, I no longer feel all that keen about acting it out.
Which is not to say that I am all that fully committed to the idea of remaining alive for another 40 goddamned years quite yet, but I do feel like sticking around for a little longer. And maybe I should give it at least a year to see if anything changes or plays out differently.
So maybe that's where I'm at. Like the lease on life is up, but I have the ability to renew month by month and year by year.
I guess that's how it has always been.
But all of that said, I want to be alive beyond my upcoming birthday. And I want to affirm that choice and celebrate it and embrace and engage with life however I can.
Which means for me that I need to go on a trip to somewhere. I am going to be alone regardless. Might as well be alone somewhere with big stars and maybe a few ocean breezes.
I don't have much money, but I don't need much to be comfortable. I can sleep well in my car and survive just fine on limited food.
Maybe I can still make it to Big Sur. It's a 25 hour drive. Daunting but doable.
Jacksonville, Florida is 16 hours if I wanted to see the Atlantic instead.
I could do the Gulf of Mexico in under 10, I'm pretty sure.
Or mountains, maybe. Forests. Deserts. I don't know.
I just gotta go.
And speaking of things that gotta go, the dog.
That's what I'll say as I sit up, before imagining that a soft and perfumed hand caresses my chest and brings me back down to the bed.
9:21 a.m. - 2021-01-02
Recent entries:
Snow Week - 2021-02-15
The Walls of the Church - 2021-02-08
Days 3-6 (skipping Day 2 for now) - 2021-02-02
Day 1 - 2021-01-22
40 - 2021-01-19
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