Happy Solstice.
I really want time to mean something. I feel like it means less to me than to others and it doesn't feel like it means much to anyone during this season of our lives.
I am honestly surprised that I show up for work at the times and days I am supposed to. I think that's the only thing that keeps me paying attention. The rest of the time I am just free floating.
The day after my last entry, the one where I wrote out affirmations and reminded myself that I am maybe sometimes perceived as sexy, I received a text from this woman.
(None of this has anything to do with the time stuff I mentioned at the top. I am changing the subject. But I don't want to erase my earlier solstice greetings.)
Anyway, this woman is someone that I tried to flirt with a few weeks before. We are both writers (she is getting her MFA in creative writing at present) and we both used to go to the same church, though not at the same time, and know a lot of the same type of people.
I flirted. She didn't really flirt back. That was fine.
We had some good discussions about God and theology and stuff. She is still considerably more on the Jesus train than I am, which made me assume that sex was either off the table completely or being reserved for a more committed type of thing. Which is fine. But not my bag, so I moved on not worrying so much about it.
But apparently she is working on a short story right now and there is a sex scene in said short story and writing said sex scene awoke something.
She texted something flirty, then emailed the sex scene, to which I responded with a sex scene I had written myself, then we exchanged several increasingly graphic pictures, and we thus spent two whole days inspiring each other to intense and repeated orgasm.
It was a major snowstorm here and coincidentally where she was, several hours away. So we literally both spent that time in bed.
Naked.
Alone but together.
She is a pastor's kid as I am. And I'll tell you, the best sex I have ever had in my life has always been with pastor's daughters. There is something so erotically charged there. I imagine it's true of pastor's sons as well (which I suppose makes it true of me), something where, I don't know, we are presented as an object of purity and holiness. We are expected to be the example and are treated as such growing up.
And that creates this desire in us to press a little farther, explore a little more, maybe. It might also feel sexier for others to see us act so "defiled" and "dirty" and "sinful."
Looking back, I think that was something that drew women towards me in my early twenties. Women really loved broadening my horizons and and introducing me into the world of carnal desire and earthly pleasure. It's a gimmick I wish I could still pull off.
It very much suited my sexual submissive nature, something I too rarely get to explore.
All of that to say that we wasted no time. And I was very surprised by what came out of (and went into) her mouth. No other word to say other than Slutty. But I mean that very much as a compliment.
Nothing sexier to me than dirty talk, and when it's a writer doing it, with all those details and flourishes and eye-popping adjectives, makes one's mouth water just thinking of it.
But alas,
Like the dirty Catholic school girl, the naughty pastor's kid comes with the weight of guilt and shame.
And our two day virtual fuck fest did not sit well at all with my lovely correspondent.
She wrote an email. She knows she initiated. And she enjoyed it. But it brings things up. It's triggering. Plus, sin and shame and one's reputation.
All too heavy. I know all too well.
A shame too, because I was more than willing to drive the 10 or 11 hours just to feel her thighs resting on my shoulders.
But the experience has still stirred me and inspired me and reminded me of how good desire and lust can feel.
I'd love for that to be real life and skin on skin, but that might be some time. And that's fine.
But here's hoping for at least another pen pal.
11:58 a.m. - 2020-12-21
Recent entries:
A Whole Mess of Mixed Metaphors - 2021-02-08
Days 3-6 (skipping Day 2 for now) - 2021-02-02
Day 1 - 2021-01-22
40 - 2021-01-19
Milestone - 2021-01-02
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