I don't know, man.
You know?
I am torn as to how to spend my time and energy.
I want to be writing, I should be writing, writing is my biggest and best hope for surviving.
But the rent is always due and my lease is running out and I know I am going somewhere other than here in April, but have no idea where that there will be.
So I need a job. I need a plan. I need to figure out what the fuck I am going to do.
Writing could be that job. Which would free up my plans to maybe be able to hit the road again. Live in an RV or something.
But I don't have the money for an RV and likely won't by April. So maybe I sleep on people's couches again? I really would love to avoid that if I can. At least in that long-term way I did before.
I have been looking for jobs that provide housing for the summer, but the ones I've found seem more geared towards people in their early twenties. Where you all live in a dorm and share a shower at the end of the hall or whatever.
Could be fun, but I feel too old and not sexy enough for that kind of living arrangement.
I have also been looking for remote jobs that I can do from anywhere. Which, of course, means I would still have to figure out the "anywhere" part, but that seems easy enough once I have some income.
Teaching English as a second language is maybe the best of those options.
That, or driving the car that accompanies wide load trucks.
Something like that.
Fuck.
I don't really have that many options.
But I do have a surplus of doubt about my abilities and my future with the written word.
I know people make a living off of sentences and paragraphs, I just lack maybe the fortitude or networking skills or talent or something.
I just hate that I am staring down the gun of homelessness again.
God, I wish there was a God.
I would so dearly love it if there was some sort of plan in place. A destiny I could stumble into.
But that doesn't seem to be the way of things.
Man is condemned to his freedom indeed.
I just don't know what to do.
6:58 a.m. - 2020-12-07
Recent entries:
Day 1 - 2021-01-22
40 - 2021-01-19
Milestone - 2021-01-02
The Pastor's Daughter - 2020-12-21
Love in the Time of Corona - 2020-12-08
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