I was about to write something.
Have the environment all set up for it.
It's funny, I never considered that until just now, but I have different places and environmental settings for the different kinds of writing that I do.
When I am writing "professionally" I do it at my desk, with the window open. Some light instrumental music playing in the background.
But for diaryland, I close the blinds. I lay on my bed. I put on darker, more bass heavy music.
Maybe Diaryland is the one place where it's still okay for me to be an emo kid, so I milk it for all it's worth.
I even have candles going.
And I have now just pulled my hair down over my eyes.
There. Ready to emote.
Now I feel like I should be listening to Brand New or Taking Back Sunday.
This was not at all what I was intending to write about.
But now I am feeling nostalgic for back when this little website got started.
I was "cool" then. Probably more "cool" than I'll ever be again.
But I didn't know it.
I had no idea.
But now that I know the look a woman gives when she wants to have sex with you, I now also know that I used to get that look a lot.
And who knows, maybe I am still getting that look. Maybe women in their thirties give a slightly different, maybe more subtle look, but I just figured out the look of women in their twenties. Maybe I am always just behind the curve.
Or maybe it's just when you look back, you can see yourself more clearly.
Do any of you read through your older entries on here?
I do occasionally.
I am frequently embarrassed by what I thought was so important, or how much I had invested in some meaningless romantic fling.
But I often also see that a was better person than I gave myself credit for. I can literally read how much I beat myself up over everything. How I was always drowning in shame. And I always want to reach back to my old self and say, look around. Look at yourself. You are beautiful and talented and amazing and none of the shit you're beating yourself up for is your fault.
It's so easy to see that when you look back.
But so hard to tell myself such things in the present.
I guess that's shame for you. I always feel like a piece of shit. But when I look back, I can see clearly that I wasn't actually a piece of shit, but that it just felt that way.
But then somehow now, I can still tell myself, "yeah, but that was then. Now we really are a piece of shit."
And I believe myself!
I need to work on that. I need to break that cycle.
But also, now that I am thinking about emo me, I remember there was one time when I was hanging out with my friends in the park and these big redneck guys came up to us. One of them points at me and says, Hey, kid. Come here.
So I walk over.
Then he says to his friend, that's the kid I saw at the mall earlier.
Then he says to me, come here, kid. Show us your haircut.
And with long bangs on one side of my face and my spikey belt and just a hint of eye shadow, i have to admit that I loved being singled out as weird.
It felt good to just receive attention. Even if that attention was mockery.
I don't know where I am going with that.
It just popped into my head.
LIke all of this entry.
Like everything.
11:48 a.m. - 2020-05-11
Recent entries:
168 - 2020-08-08
Feelings - 2020-08-06
Two Posts in as Many Days? I Must be on a Spree or Something. - 2020-08-03
Too Emotionally Soft for the Apocalypse - 2020-08-01
Finding my own voice in the wilderness - 2020-07-03
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