I am in a big, almost cavernous, room with floor to ceiling windows and wooden floors and ceiling. It is, without doubt, the coolest spot in Tulsa. It's a free space with free wifi for people to just hang out. The room is pretty full of people silently doing homework, reading, or having little meetings.
My roommate is sitting next to me. She is working on something. While I am distractedly doing anything but work.
I had to define the word agoraphobia to my mom a few minutes ago. I had run out of excuses for why I had not yet started my new gig as a substitute teacher. So I told her the truth of how I have been unable to leave my room for the last three days. I didn't mention how I've been urinating into empty plastic bottles so as to only leave my room for the bathroom once or twice a day.
I did tell her that I was here at the Gathering Place for the sole intended purpose of being out and in the open and exposed.
Now there are a small group of old ladies at the table near us. One is loudly asking another why she isn't wearing socks.
Sorry. Distracted. Marijuana.
The point is I'm here. Trying to overcome my agoraphobia. Feeling real fucking tense about all of it.
I can't focus for shit right now. Writing is not enough of a distraction.
Plus, my fingernails suddenly feel too long. Isn't it always weird how you never notice your fingernails and then suddenly they are too long and irritate the fuck out of you?
Oy vey. Everything is everything. It all feels like too much.
1:43 p.m. - 2020-02-27
Recent entries:
A Good Deal of Emotional Vomit - 2020-04-15
Word constipation - 2020-04-11
Sleepless Thoughts (and thoughts, and thoughts) - 2020-03-27
Pandemic - 2020-03-24
I am a Writer (look, I am writing right now) - 2020-03-03
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