I am on some new pills. I started Trintellix last week. I started Propranolol this morning.
That might be why I am feeling weird.
It's shitty. I had a couple of good days. Trying my best to be mindful and not so damn stuck in my head.
But then I woke up today feeling tense and panicky and overwhelmed.
The normally minor irritation of not remembering the username for my bank's website caused me to flip out. I threw my phone against a wall. Flipped over my chair. And began punching myself in the face.
The latter being a thing I used to do when I was much younger and occasionally regressed back to in my twenties. It's been years since I've done it.
I went to the library to try to get some work done, but became all nervous and overwhelmed again at the thought of me being anyone or capable of anything.
And there was someone who worked there that I thought was my co-worker's girlfriend, but wasn't sure because I've only seen her a handful of times, so I only said "how are you?" in a way that was split between friendly and formal and then quickly walked away, leaving her looking confused. And I couldn't tell if she was confused by why I wouldn't stop and make small talk or if she was actually just a stranger and didn't know why I was talking to her.
And God, that's not a big deal.
But I've been cringing about it all day.
Maybe it's the meds.
Maybe it's just me.
Maybe I will always have days like this sometimes where I am terrified of everything and have trouble even getting out of bed.
It would be great if that was just "sometimes."
Hell, that would be divine.
I want to not feel like this.
I am so tired of feeling like this.
I want to meditate.
every morning.
And yoga.
I want to swim a mile everyday.
I want to simultaneously put less pressure on myself and motivate myself to do more.
I want to be more confident
more social
more productive
take better care of myself
all while being more accepting
and loving myself for where I am
I feel all this pressure
to be more
to be better
to be doing something with my life
to not be wasting time, energy, space, and potential.
mother fucking potential.
I have so much, they say.
Or they used to say.
They told me not to waste it.
Now I assume they think I did.
But who is they?
from whom do I feel this pressure?
Capitalism's fucked
God is dead
America's over
The world's literally on fire
The meaning of life is a choose-your-own-adventure novel
Why should I care if I'm anything at all?
I can just get a job at a donut shop.
Or fake my death and become an Alaskan fisherman
Maybe it's not the pills.
Maybe the only sane ones in the crazy times are the ones that seem crazy.
But fuck.
As I write this rambling nonsense, it occurs to me that what I am truly freaked out by is the little bit of momentum I have as a writer and public speaker and it is now the time for me to, as that lady CEO would say, "lean in."
The work I was going to do at the library was rework my website and create a GoFundMe to pay for me to go to a conference in April.
And as much as I daydream about it, I just don't feel ready to be a "thought leader" and professional talker.
I mean I'm good at it. I think anyway.
I think I'm just worried about the fact that I still have days like today.
Days where I punch myself in the face.
Weeks where I don't shower or interact with any human that I can avoid.
I don't know, maybe that's what makes me vulnerable and authentic. Maybe talking forthrightly about such things will help others who are suffering in silence.
But I am fearful I can't handle the pressure of being out in the public eye.
I will never make fun of J.D. Salinger again.
6:53 p.m. - 2020-01-31
Recent entries:
Pandemic - 2020-03-24
I am a Writer (look, I am writing right now) - 2020-03-03
Fingernails and Agoraphobia - 2020-02-27
Man is Condemned to his Freedom - 2020-02-13
Tell the Man in C-3PO Socks How You are Feeling. - 2020-02-10
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