My my, what a month it's been.
Just kidding. Time is a deflated rubber ball.
I want to write about what's happened since I last wrote what happened but I am not sure I can really tell.
That is to say I have been having flashbacks.
Echoes.
Bad feelings from bad memories.
Even just the other day, wait. My God, it was yesterday. Even yesterday, I was enjoying one of the first cool days of the Tulsa autumn, windows down, music up, driving to spend an afternoon at a monastery outside of town where I would walk and think and enjoy that real holy kind of silence. It was a perfect and lovely sort of day. But while driving (and several other times while there), found myself reliving small and minor moments where I have wronged or disappointed somebody and then having the guilt and shame of that moment wash all over me.
And I mean small moments. The one that I specifically remember from yesterday was when a few weeks ago, I had to have my car towed to an auto shop. As we pulled up, the tow driver guy told me to run inside and ask them where he should drop off my car. But when I went inside, there was no one in the office and I couldn't find anyone in the garage either. It took 3 or 4 minutes before I found someone and the tow driver was pissed off because he had offered me a discounted flat rate and I was now just wasting his time.
I relive that moment a lot. I did yesterday. Not just remembered it. I went through every detail of that experience again, just like I was there. I even caught myself saying out loud "sorry, man. I couldn't find anybody."
And then was back suddenly in the October sunshine, driving along the Arkansas river.
What's crazy about that particular memory is that I didn't even do anything wrong in it. It wasn't my fault that no one was in the shop. I didn't even ask for the discounted rate, he offered that on his own because the shop was less than a mile away. And still he made $75 bucks and was pissed that it took him 19 minutes to make that money instead of 15.
Fuck that guy.
I bet he has never thought about that moment since. I bet he wasn't even thinking about that moment then.
But I have dreams about that day. Just like I have dreams and flashbacks of a seeming infinite amount of missteps and rejections over the last 38 and 3/4 years.
I shit you not, I only remembered my remembering the tow truck guy because I just caught myself reliving the shame of my remembering the tow truck guy. I do not know why I am so affected by such petty nothingness.
But I think it does make a certain amount of sense why I really only ever feel comfortable when I am alone.
And why I can literally sit in silence on the couch all day but still feel exhausted. I travel a thousand lifetimes. I inhabit multiple dimensions. All of them angry or tragic or sad. A million missed opportunities. An ocean of mistakes and blunders.
I see a job counselor once a week. She asks me if I have applied for any jobs. I always tell her no. I tell her that when I try, my heart races and I begin panicking and I just can't. I try and cannot get my fingers to move. My whole body freezes up.
Why? She asked.
Well, I think it's because every time I try to do something, I seem to only make things worse for myself. Not only do I never seem to stick the landing, I usually end up breaking my leg in the process. And I am so tired. So very fucking tired. And I just don't want to make a bigger mess because there is already so much for me to clean up I will need at least one whole other lifetime. And I am terrified that no matter what I do, it will turn out bad and wrong and make me worse than I am now.
Now, let's think about this rationally.
No, no, no. I know it's not rational. I get that. I do. Yes, I know that in the moment, I should pause and ask myself "is this true?" and etc, etc.
But you aren't there. You aren't feeling this. You aren't stuck as a time traveler reliving your worst moments.
On the 22nd of September I honored the 10th anniversary of my first love's death.
Didn't feel like ten years. Because I was just there this morning. I may very well be there again soon.
I need help.
There is no one to help.
No one is coming to save me.
There is no salvation.
There is nothing to do.
But there has to be something to do, right?
Isn't there?
What is life like for those who want to live?
What's their secret?
I'll buy it.
I'd sell everything I'd own.
I'd sell everything I'd ever own.
12:49 p.m. - 2019-10-05
Recent entries:
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