I'm up and down so much these days it is really starting to scare me.
Just two nights ago, I was dancing and howling under 6 billion stars on the Navajo reservation miles away from another human soul.
I felt alive and connected to everything and had this vision of how old the universe is and will continue to be long after the last human turns to dust.
And it was magnificent and transcendent and beautiful
But today, my body is tight and sore and hunched over and I again feel like an unlovable piece of shit and have trouble breathing and broke down crying at several points in the day.
And once again nothing feels right and I'm sure it's me. That it's something I did.
And I hate it. I hate these mood swings. I don't know what to do.
I sometimes suspect it is hormonal or something, and golly, if I had insurance I would get that checked out.
But in the meanwhile, I just have to do the best I can do every day. Just allow myself to be whatever it is that I am.
I kept telling myself today:
Everything you feel is important.
Whatever this is that I am feeling, it will shape me into something, it already has. And I don't know how much say I have in what I am being shaped to be, but I am hoping that if I keep focusing on the beautiful and gentle and loving and strong things then maybe I will get to become those things.
Tonight I will be in agony. I will be in agony many nights to come. I allow it. May I recognize it for what it is. May I learn from it.
6:27 p.m. - 2018-01-15
Recent entries:
Grateful, Exhausted, Lost - 2018-03-10
Orange County - 2018-03-08
The first two weeks - 2018-02-25
Still in Denver, but the trip has begun - 2018-02-11
Growth - 2018-01-28
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