Last week I briefly crowed about how some ladies said they wanted to see me. I assumed at the time that they wanted to see me naked. I was excited about that because it has been a while since I've had any physical contact outside of the occasional hug.
Well, date one (Alysson) obviously went horribly wrong, what with her revealing that she was also seriously dating someone every time she was with me and she really wasn't interested in me at all now, but had this book that she wanted to give me.
It hurt. It hurt a lot. But I brushed myself off as best as I could.
Date two ghosted me entirely. We had tentative plans for this last weekend. She has, for whatever reason, felt no desire to return my texts or calls.
Okay, fine. Rude maybe, but it's fine. It's all fine.
Date number three was supposed to be tonight. She lives in Colorado Springs (about an hour south of where I live) and doesn't have a car, so I drove to see her.
But she was having a bad day and cancelled the date. Now, I would have selfishly preferred she do that before I drove an hour to see her, but a lady still does have the right to change her mind.
But for a fella like me, who already has zero confidence and has really just been holding life together by a thread, I began to get a little bummed out.
I mean, shit.
I know I am basically just trying to get laid here, but I am not doing that in the stereotypical dude way where I lie and manipulate and don't care about the person's feelings. I sincerely enjoy the company of all of these women. I would happily consider seriously dating any one of them.
But I was at least hoping we could make out a little, or at least just have a good conversation and real human connection.
I just want a little intimacy, but fuck me, I guess.
Back to being alone.
Alone, alone, alone, alone.
And then driving back to Denver, my headlights started going real dim, my speedometer started moving frantically up and down before stopping completely. Then the radio and power steering went out. Then the headlights turned off completely.
The car was still running, so I managed to pull off at the nearest exit and park my car in the parking lot of a medical center. The car will not start.
I called my brother. He thinks it's the alternator. He'll drive up tomorrow to work on it.
I called a Lyft and got a ride home.
I am not sure what I will do if I end up no longer having a car.
One can still travel without one. It just becomes trickier and more difficult.
I don't know what I am supposed to be doing. I don't know what direction the universe is telling me to go.
All I know is that I am lonely and stressed and anxious and horny and sad, and I thought things were going to start being okay but now that feels pretty fucking naive.
Almost every day in 2016 and 2017, I had at least one suicidal thought.
I was so very hopeful after I decided to travel and write. I went almost a month without wanting to end my life once.
I guess that streak is over now.
I guess it's back to being alone and poor and stuck.
God damnit. I want to escape.
But I don't know how.
10:16 p.m. - 2018-01-09
Recent entries:
Growth - 2018-01-28
Everything You Feel is Important - 2018-01-15
A Not So Brief Attempt at Brevity - 2018-01-13
Don't Bother Reading My Last Post. It Was Just a Bunch of Whining. - 2018-01-10
Don't Bother Reading My Last Post. It Was Just a Bunch of Whining. - 2018-01-10
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