Alysson, the frequent hero of these entries, whom I have been desperately in love with for over a year now, the one that pops into my life for brief moments of wonder and awe before slinking off again into the night, the one person that I think of when I am foolish enough to believe that I might just have a chance to experience love in this short life,
She came to visit me last night.
Said she had a gift for me.
And in the few days since she messaged me my heart was soaring.
I allowed myself to imagine some bittersweet night of passionate goodbye. Where we suddenly fall into each other and bare our souls, knowing that our separation is only a temporary one, that there are magnets within us that will eventually and always draw us back to each other.
Pretty sad that this is the best I can do for romantic fantasies these days. Even in my dreams I don't get the girl.
But I wasn't expecting to hear that she's about to move in with her new boyfriend.
I wasn't expecting to hear about all the boyfriends that she's had this year.
That I was a mere mistress to them. That there was always someone that she was actually with.
I unzipped my skin and revealed everything to her.
She asked me how I felt about my upcoming travels. I told her that it was one of the only times in years that it just felt completely right.
She asked when was the last time I felt like that.
And I had to tell her that it was her. That before that, it was probably 1998 when I decided to go to Bible School.
And that revelation made me deeply suspicious of my intuition.
But I told her that she awakened something in me that I thought was dead. That I have not felt such a strong pull in a very, very long time.
She responded that she felt strong enough to hold that space for me and could still be my friend.
Which makes everything feel so horribly one sided. Like I am some foolish boy, mad with love, that must be somehow tolerated.
Meanwhile other men hold her heart. I wonder what it feels like to be desired by her. I imagine it's what heaven feels like.
And in the several hours since she left, I have laid here in the dark in some of the deepest emotional pain I have ever felt.
I wonder what it feels like to be desired at all.
What I know about myself, what I have only really learned this year, is that I am loved by a good deal of people. It's a warm and genuine love. And that is something. I don't want to dismiss that.
But it is a love at arm's reach. It is a love that is entirely platonic.
I am loved by everyone, wanted by no one.
I have been half-jokingly referring to myself as a monk this last year. And that's because my energy and passion has been directed towards the purpose of finding spiritual truth and helping people come into their more true self, largely to the detriment of my financial well being.
And you know what? People want to confess to monks. People do not want to fuck them.
Even last night, sitting across the table from a woman that I unquestionably love, she told me of her deep sorrow that came from loving unworthy men. And I comforted her, realizing then that I was never even considered as an option.
I was only a solace. An ego boost at best
So I have spent the last 6 hours laying in the dark, desperately trying to find evidence to the contrary of what I am presently feeling. But I have nothing to show.
My romantic highlights of the past year have happened exclusively in my brain.
Some woman makes a little extra eye contact with me and I enter into a world of imagined possibilities. I don't do anything about that though because I know "this might happen" is infinitely better than "it definitely won't."
And these last few weeks where I have been feeling high and exhilarated from my decision to leave everything behind and live on the open road has left me kicking myself for all those wasted opportunities.
I have not because I ask not, I thought.
But the truth is, the raw empirical data shows, that every single time I have attempted to make a romantic or sexual connection with another human, I have been told the same thing:
I am wonderful. I have deep emotional intelligence. I am going to make some woman very happy someday. But not her. Never her. She just wants to be my friend
And though I have more or less batted zero these last few years, the rejection never hit me as hard as it has right now.
Because I never really felt anything for any of these women. I was attracted to them, part of their soul resonated with me, I thought that there was potential for something to grow, but that was it. Easy come, easy go. She wasn't the right person, it wasn't the right time. It may smart a little, but no big deal when compared to the rest of life's suffering.
But Alysson hurts. It hurts so incredibly bad.
For her, I opened the rusty and highly fortified vault to my heart.
And I can't say it meant nothing to her, because the words she said and the way she looked at me indicated that there was something there,
but it does feel now that it meant next to nothing.
Something tells me that she slept fine tonight. She most certainly did not sleep alone.
I have never felt less attractive than I do right now. Never more foolish. Never so undesirable.
Because it has to be me.
There has to be something deeply wrong with me. I am the only common denominator here.
And after all of the work that I have done on myself, after the years of therapy and deep emotional work through trauma,
I am still somehow just as unlovable as always.
And that is a pain so bad that it is literally making it hard to breathe right now.
I will now begin to dream of some mysterious woman that I will meet on the road, one that looks deep into my soul and recognizes something of value there. I can envision a healing embrace, a soulful smile, that wondrous feeling of waking up with another body wrapped around my own.
But I suspect that this is just my brain's propaganda to keep my heart beating.
I suspect that my path is a solitary one for some time to come.
And I hate it.
3:57 a.m. - 2018-01-03
Recent entries:
A Not So Brief Attempt at Brevity - 2018-01-13
Don't Bother Reading My Last Post. It Was Just a Bunch of Whining. - 2018-01-10
Don't Bother Reading My Last Post. It Was Just a Bunch of Whining. - 2018-01-10
Fuck me in the fucking face - 2018-01-09
Breaking Free - 2018-01-04
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