There were things that made today not a good day. Being part of the final days of a coffee shop that is going out of business after 15 years is rough.
It's like breaking up with people a hundred times a day.
We have so many regulars that just love the shit out of us and we just have to keep telling them, hey sorry, we are closing down.
It's heartbreaking.
And also infuriating a little, because of how many people say "well, what am I going to do?" after we tell them.
"Where am I going to get my coffee now?"
I keep wanting to tell them, hey, fuck you. I am homeless because of this shit. I don't give a fuck where you get your goddamn coffee.
But instead, I say, yeah, I know. I'm sorry.
And again, if this store wasn't closing down then I wouldn't be starting on this grand adventure that gives me at least one panic attack every single night.
And I mean that in a good way. I mean the panic attacks aren't good. But this is still a good thing. The biggest, boldest thing I have ever done.
And having made that decision has shifted some gears in my head.
And that's why today was actually a really good day.
Because as I type, I am texting with five different women right now. Three of whom initiated contact with me.
All of them want to see me before I leave.
One of them wants to travel with me from time to time.
And one of them is Alysson.
Alysson, the only woman I have felt deeply for in years, the one that pops into my life at random moments, allows me to walk on pillows on clouds for a few days, and then just as suddenly disappears.
She is like Denna in the book The Name of the Wind.
And there is something to the fact that I know I will be the one leaving this time that shifts things.
I think it removes a lot of my fear.
I always entangle myself with the fear of being hurt and the fear of hurting others that I tend to get paralyzed.
I get in my head. I make things weird or too intense.
But this time I am leaving. They know I am leaving. It makes me feel more free to pursue someone just because I am attracted to them. I don't get caught up thinking about where things are going. I can just be present.
And if they reject me, it's fine because I am leaving.
And I don't have to worry (too much) about rejecting them, because they know already that I am not here to stay.
And sex is sex is sex.
Not to say that I am not a fan. Because I am and am very much looking forward to being able to have some.
But what I am experiencing is more than sex. I am feeling more confidence and less fear than I think I ever have.
I am still utterly terrified about this next chapter.
But Jesus, who wouldn't be?
I have a beat up car with 299,000 miles on it, no job, no guarantee that I will have a place to stay, an auto-immune disease and a heart condition, and no health insurance.
But I just know it's going to be alright somehow.
Still though, right now feels like that slow and dreadful climb at the beginning of the roller-coaster.
My heart is racing as I hear the click, click, click of the track and rise higher and higher off the ground.
This is the part where I want to get off the ride, but know it is too late. So the only thing to do is hold the fuck on and get ready.
Because the actual ride is about to start.
6:59 p.m. - 2017-12-22
Recent entries:
Fuck me in the fucking face - 2018-01-09
Breaking Free - 2018-01-04
Alone. - 2018-01-03
Moving Out - 2017-12-31
A Pretty Good Christmas - 2017-12-26
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
holdensolo
loveherwell
lust-
bantenhut
nudeplatypus
comebacktome
musicman575
i-lost-sarah
newschick
stardumb
hexes
gonzoprophet
cybers1ut
meffinmisfit
movingsands
the-grey-one
dangerspouse
unowhatilike
silverluna
elusive-you
tobehis
kenny-loo
brothasistas
my-rant
is-life
godsintimate
ruby--sky
creme-egg
darkly-blue
reevo
i-am-jack
similar
dooki
dagkyo
obijuan
buddyboy5
u2october
mojo1915
dudemanflab
aryssa90
baby--girl
alwaysinhim
cindylou03
gr8legs
greenstar7
krunkjazz
spittingame