This is a small moment of silence for Nadia.
Who will never read this, thank God.
Nadia,
new girl at the coffee shop where I work.
Not particularly good at the job.
A writer with a finished book.
More clever, far funnier than I.
Nadia,
who stirred something in me that I had thought dead.
who made me realize that every other potential person in my purview was wrong.
who reminded me that people like her exist.
Loving, and caring, and so incredibly smart. And yes, beautiful, with her bad posture and closed eyed smile.
Nadia,
who I took to the art museum yesterday after work.
who moved back when I moved forward.
who refused to meet my eye.
who refused a ride home from my friend's house tonight even though her ride wasn't responding to her texts.
Nadia,
I suppose I was what the kids call "thirsty."
my desire got the better of me.
you were the rabbit that I crushed in my paw.
you were the bird I scared away.
I was impatient because I have waited so long
you are the magic that I am not skilled enough to wield.
Nadia,
the bible warned me not to awaken love before its time
but I have never been good with time.
you will love others vibrantly
I wish you full hearted joy and deep bellied laughs.
Nadia,
I am so sorry.
I know the discomfort of an unwanted wanter.
I know the hope that they will just get the hint.
I am a hint getter.
I will withdraw like I have a million times before.
I will hold you in my Buddha heart and hope that nirvana finds us all.
And I,
I will not awaken love before its time.
I will not chase rabbits or scare birds.
I will stop dressing up my wounded heart like a broken car at a dealership.
I will stop trying to impress.
Nadia,
I wish I knew the lesson to be learned.
I wish you were the last woman I pursue in folly.
I wish I could live in my loneliness like a true sage.
Nadia,
so long.
thanks for two weeks of day dreams.
thanks for the momentary belief that something different would happen this time.
I will see you tomorrow at work.
9:27 p.m. - 2017-08-26
Recent entries:
31 days - 2017-10-11
Full Clean Lungs - 2017-09-09
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A very over-extended metaphor - 2017-09-05
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