I am a jumbled mess of thoughts at the moment. Can I just list them? Do I need to make a narrative out of it? Do I really need to explain things proper?
I forgot to eat today.
I briefly thought that love was headed my way, but now I am thinking it was just my usual wishful thinking and my typical inability to connect.
I should be asleep right now because I have to wake up for work in 7 hours.
I have been teased twice this week with the prospect of amazing jobs, only for them to be pulled away and placed in some theoretical future where they might come to fruition.
I do good with my depression for a little bit, but it always sinks back.
I am impatient.
I want my tiny mountain cottage and my basset hound and my career in writing and my romantic partner and my loving community.
I am tired of waiting.
I am tired of daydreaming. Tired of failing. Tired of tripping over myself with the simplest tasks.
I am trying not to be swayed by my emotions, but to sit and hold all things. Accept all things as they come. And be grateful for all of it.
But that's easy when things are going my way.
I start to feel good and I get excited.Maybe now the wheel is turning, maybe new good things are coming.
And I lean back and smile. Feeling like I knew it all along.
Why would I ever doubt this. It's all going to work out now.
And I get tricked by those feelings every time.
I was going to give more details about all sorts of garbage that's on my mind at the present moment, but it doesn't matter.
It's all reactionary. I don't want to be reactionary anymore.
I am tired of the roller coaster of high hopes followed by crushed dreams.
I want a good life. Free from ego and attachment.
I want to be loved.
I want to be able to both eat and pay my bills.
I want peace of mind.
But the more I seek these things, the farther away they become.
So I give up.
Let them all come to me when they are ready.
I don't have a fucking clue what else to do.
8:17 p.m. - 2017-08-25
Recent entries:
Full Clean Lungs - 2017-09-09
Jagged Little Pill - 2017-09-06
A very over-extended metaphor - 2017-09-05
Mystery Mail - 2017-08-29
I Really Liked This One (But It Always Ends up the Same) - 2017-08-26
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
holdensolo
loveherwell
lust-
bantenhut
nudeplatypus
comebacktome
musicman575
i-lost-sarah
newschick
stardumb
hexes
gonzoprophet
cybers1ut
meffinmisfit
movingsands
the-grey-one
dangerspouse
unowhatilike
silverluna
elusive-you
tobehis
kenny-loo
brothasistas
my-rant
is-life
godsintimate
ruby--sky
creme-egg
darkly-blue
reevo
i-am-jack
similar
dooki
dagkyo
obijuan
buddyboy5
u2october
mojo1915
dudemanflab
aryssa90
baby--girl
alwaysinhim
cindylou03
gr8legs
greenstar7
krunkjazz
spittingame