So whatever it was between she and I is no longer.
She being the person that I mentioned in the last entry. I being the person that is writing this now.
And that's fine.
Because I caught myself slipping into the same kind of toxic relationship that I've had before. Really, the only kind of romantic relationship I have ever known.
The kind where I gradually lose myself in service to my partner. I let go of my needs and desires out of fear that she'll leave or not love me.
That behavior comes from a place of fear and insecurity. It also comes from a desire to give and make her happy.
But it's bullshit. And I am glad I caught this time, with only a minimal bit of suffering.
I think it's a little hard for people with major anxiety issues to notice when their body tells them that something just isn't right. Because things frequently don't feel right.
The few weeks that I have spent with this person have seen some crazy intense anxiety on my part. I had like three panic attacks on Wednesday. Something wasn't right. But I didn't want to see it.
I didn't want to see it because I really want to be in love. I want to be loved more than anything, but still spend most of my time alone.
And suddenly this cute and fun and pretty awesome woman comes along and I dive head first into the thing.
Never seeing everything that my attachment, my sheer desire for love, has blinded me to.
I should have seen the red flags. But I didn't. Because I didn't want to.
And she tells me the things that she needs and wants out of a relationship, and the curves and grooves of her puzzle piece do not at all fit with mine. My piece is mostly sky, maybe a bit of a tree. Hers is all grass.
But I try to cram myself into being the right shape for her.
But it doesn't work. Of course it doesn't.
Before I would try this for months or years and then be devastated when she finally broke up with me.
And that's not fair to her or myself.
We all fit somewhere in the puzzle, but we can't find our place until we really know who we are and are capable of being truly real and authentic.
So again, I come back here to this place of aloneness.
And this time I am grateful to be here.
I want to remove my attachment to being in a relationship. I want to be free of my ego and expectations.
I want to fit where I belong.
8:31 p.m. - 2017-05-19
Recent entries:
New Writing Desk. - 2017-06-25
I am finally starting to understand the things I have long proclaimed - 2017-06-16
Sorry. It's another suicide post. - 2017-06-11
Opening my eyes, stretching my arms - 2017-05-27
Hello, Old Friend. - 2017-05-21
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